A conversation with my mother

So, my mother is one of my Facebook friends.  Don't ask me how this happened.  It just DID.

Anyways, she's hardly ever on there but when she is she stalks me. 

Bams and I loved to muck around on Facebook before we met and we still enjoy having a laugh on there but things can get a little...naughty.

Those of you that read Bams' blog may be familiar with his post on having laser hair removal on his gonads.  That's all I'm going to say really.

The following are excerpts from actual conversations that took place over a couple of days.  Only the names have been changed to protect the.....whatever.

Facebook - Frankie's Status Update (in part) -

 

Frankie - I wish I'd not come in.  Work sucks big hairy balls today (more than usual)

Bams - Well my goal is to make sure you never have to suck big or hairy balls again!  And I'm doing my bit!!

Lara Croft - Get a room!

Conversation the next evening at my mum's for dinner with the kids -

Mum - Were you and Bams talking about rambutans on Facebook yesterday?

Frankie - Sorry...what?

Mum - Rambutans, the fruit.  You were talking about sucking hairy balls.  That's what we called rambutans back in Ceylon.

Alex - *spits food out of nose*

The end.

Diary of a Stalker (Cyber Edition)

Friday 1 January, 2010

Dear Diary,

I thought I would start 2010 with some cyberstalking (that way I don't have to get dressed). I googled Blockbuster Guy's internet dating name to see if he was on any sites...so I could laugh at how he's still pathetic and single...much like myself.

He was noticeably absent from his usual haunts...RSVP and Oasis Active..but he popped up on...Red Hot Pie...that site for people wanting to have sex with other people.

Luckily I have anonymous random membership to that site from previous cyber stalking activity so I perused his profile.

There was no photo, but the tag line was "I'm horny and want some attention NOW". Very alluring.

I managed to resist his saucy come on but decided to send him a contact email anyway.

"Dear *insert his real actual name here*. You will never get any sex if you don't have your photo up".

The end.


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Saturday 2 January, 2010

Dear Diary,

He hasn't replied to my email yet. I don't know why...

Today I'm going to play Wii with The One Formerly Known as Miss Moneypenny!

The end.


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Diary of a Stalker

Sunday 3rd May, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today I snuck up on the checkout guy at IGA. I didn't mean to. He said I must be a Ninja...... How did he know?

The end.

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Monday 4th May, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today I used the White Pages and Google Street View to try and find out where BB Guy lives. I concluded that he must live with his parents - or is still married. Either way, that would kinda suck. No wonder he may or may not have a drinking problem.

The end.

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Tuesday 5th May, 2009

Dear Diary,

Despite wanting BB Guy to bugger off and not bother me, my urge to stalk is strong. I drove past Blockbuster twice today to see if he was there...he was not. I concluded that he was obviously dating someone else...at 11am and 3pm on a weekday.....

The end.

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Wednesay 6th May, 2009

Dear Diary,

I got annoyed at BB Guy today cos he kept texting me. I ignored him as I was watching a TV show about serial killers and was trying to pick up some pointers on stalking. I think I need to set some BOUNDARIES. Stalkers need their privacy you know.

The end.

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Thurday 7th May, 2009

Dear Diary,

Today BB Guy called me from work. He explained to me over the phone, how to make a casserole. I've never made a casserole.

The end.

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Friday 8th May, 2009

Dear Diary,

I didn't hear from BB Guy today. I decided to "stalk in plain sight". I established his whereabouts by a quick Blockbuster drive-by. I marched into the front of the store and asked the girl if they had Battlestar Galactica. I knew they didn't. BB Guy made his presence known and advised that no..they did not (he knew I knew).

I wandered off to stare at DVD covers and he followed unsuspectingly. When I got to the science fiction aisle I stopped to confront him. I showed him my crappy red eye that I woke up with this morning and he asked me if I had hay fever. I said that I did not, and that I thought I was getting tonsilitis. He asked why tonsilitis would make me have a red eye. I said I didn't think it was related. Then I broke out into a cold sweat and couldn't speak properly. He'd had a haircut but hadn't shaved for a few days....just how I like it. I said I'd talk to him later and left....like a complete LOSER.

This stalking stuff is kinda confusing...

The end.

Diary of a Stalker

Monday 23 February 2009

Dear Diary,

Today I was driving along in my car and I saw Blockbuster Guy's vehicle go by. I just so happened to be going in a similar direction so I followed him and watched as he pulled into the bottle shop at the roundabout.

I couldn't very well pull up next to him (like a stalker) so I just went around the roundabout twice, like an idiot instead. Then I pulled over in a carpark across the road. I watched him go into the bottle shop and realised I didn't like his shorts much, and that maybe his legs are too short for his body, somewhat like a hobbit. I rarely see his legs behind the counter at Blockbuster.

I considered waiting for him to come out and then follow him to see where he lives but I had to pick my son up from a play date so I left.

The end.

Wednesday 25th February 2009

Dear Diary,

Today I look like shit. My hair is greasy and my eyemake-up looks like something out of a horror movie but I took Ethan swimming anyway. Pool Guy turned up. Luckily I was sitting halfway back in the seating and not the front row, so when he sat in the front row I could perve on him from an angle and he couldn't see me (as using my peripheral vision superpowers makes me feel seasick). BUT I did wear my glasses this time which served two purposes..1. so he couldn't see my raccoon-like eyes and 2. so I could see if he was wearing a wedding ring. However, he insisted on crossing his hands behind his head almost the entire time so I saw NOTHING.

No strip show today either. But the tight blue t-shirt was still a very nice look.

The end.

Thursday 26th February

Dear Diary,

Today I'm having a really good hair day.

The end.