Tuesday, March 1, 2011


So, even Starbuck struggles sometimes.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about FEAR.  She asked me to think about what I am so afraid of.

Right now...I'm avoiding my feelings.  I don't want to feel it.  I don't want to feel ANYTHING.

I find myself not commenting on our mutual friends' Facebook statuses and even avoiding FB altogether, for fear of seeing his name pop up in the comments section and my email inbox.

I avoid reading blogs I know he visits because, again, I don't want to 'see' him.  I don't want to have to see him go back to he way he was, before he was with me.

I am afraid of the fucking internet, because this is where we met, this is where we saw each other every day when we were apart.

But they are nothing compared to the rest of my fears.

I sway madly between days, moments, when I can almost pretend like he never existed...and I feel normal again...for a while.

But then I remember, and it hurts, and the fear comes back.

So, what are my fears?  They are hard to talk about, because then they are real...and it's ALL real and I feel like I am waiting for that ultimate BIG hurt that hasn't even come yet.  It's the big hurt, that I can't even talk about....that I am most afraid of.  I desperately need a buffer to that pain.

I also fear that...

I did the wrong thing.

I will never love like that again.

No-one else will want me.

I will be alone for the rest of my life.

That one day, it will be like our love never even existed.

There... I said it.

 EDIT - it's now 14th April...and I think I can truly say that I no longer have these fears.  Go  me!


emma said...

thinking of you.

how hard is life sometimes. christ. it can be awful.

i'm sorry i don't have any words of wisdom. i know nothing about anything. but i'm thinking of you x

Kek said...

Fear sucks. :(

Em said...

Hey beautiful,
I am hoping it all gets better and easier too.
I dont know much either but I do think you will find someone and you wont end up alone.
You kno Anthony and I broke up then one day we bumped into each other in the street and now we're here. Both parties have to want to work on it.
Anyways thinking of you and lotsa love xx

KatieP said...

There is this amazing book by Susan Piver that you should read
If you email me your address, I'll send you my copy.
It really helped me get over the end of my marriage etc.
Sending love x

CazzyCat said...

Heya Frankie,
I know how you feel on the fear front. I felt like that last year when my ex left. I went through the whole gamut of emotions - fear, anger, numbness, hurt, betrayal, disappointment, feeling unworthy, like I was a bad person, like I did something wrong. I have never ever felt so alone as I did then. It all struck me that I was 40, single and no family, and it felt at that time like I had no hope either.

Since I've got no kids, it's starting to feel like my marriage was just a dream now. Almost like I know it happened, but it kinda didn't. I'm never going to see the man I spent 15 years of my life with ever again. It's a weird thought to get used to.

The important thing is that there is ALWAYS hope. There are ALWAYS better things on the way - I truly believe that. Even when things seem like they can't get worse, there are always good things to come. Family is always there - you have your beautiful children, your parents, and extended family. Believe me, you WILL find love again. It'll be different, it'll probably feel different, and that's okay.

We are not destined to be alone! You are a beautiful, lovable, kind and caring person! The right man will see all that, and more.

I've really waffled on here a bit, but I'm really hearing you on this and know how you are feeling. Take care of you, that's the most important thing. And a few wines help too!!!

Thinking of you lots
Carolyn xx

Kerry W said...

Just feeling sad for you Frankie.
:( XOX

Cheryl said...

Maybe your honesty can help get over the fear!
Thinking of you. ((Hugs)) xxx

under said...

Fear is such a dark place. I know. I hope every day gets a bit brighter for you, Frankie...

lastchancetraining said...

Hi Frankie,
There's some reason you made that decision. I trust your intuition on the matter. Keep on keeping on sweet one :)

Frankie said...

emma - it's ok emma. As I said, sad one minute, ok the next. Pretty soon 'ok' is gonna outweigh 'sad' I am sure of it x

Kek - yes indeed! It's fucking paralysing.

Em - everyone gets over everything in time. There won't be any 'bumping into' with this one. It's well and truly done I think.

KatieP - thanks. I sent my address x

Cazzy - thanks Carolyn. I know how much you had similar fears, and I'm so happy for how yours turned out. Who says 'too soon' is too soon anyway??? And I do have fab family and friends. It's gonna be fine.

Kerry - don't be sad! Every crappy thing that happened to me last year, happened for a reason and led to something better. That WILL be the case here I am now sure of it x

Cheryl - yeah, gorgeous Nic told me to just realise what my fears were....I did and maybe they are not so bad after all.

Under - hello and welcome :o) Thanks...I hope so too x

Liz - I think this evening, after writing the post and after several conversations and events I KNOW I made the right decision for the right reasons. So...that's ONE fear I can tick off the list now! x

Nicole said...

Good Girl... xox

Frankie said...

Thanks ma'am

Casey said...

Not a whole lot of wisdom to add, just that while fear is sucky, you get to feel so much better when you pop out the other end.
Dont forget to take care of number 1,be proud of your decisions and back yourself.
I really admire you sharing, it's much gutsier than most.

p.s - pretty sure gutsier isn't a word but whatever...:)

Frankie said...

Casey - thanks and yes, gutsier most definitely IS a word. Today was pretty bad. Wanted to cry ALL day but couldn't because I was at work. And now I can't 'cos the kid are here. Just can't get that big cry out and I need to!

Flea said...

Mourn the loss, it's normal, don't fear it.
If you made a mistake, learn from it.
If you did not make a mistake, celebrate your wisdom.
To doubt or wonder its wasting time.
Analyse things and eventually you will be able to move on, but don't rush anything.
You will never be totally alone!

Frankie said...

ok...a LOT

Frankie said...

Thanks Flea. I know we had to split. I'm just struggling a little xxx