So, even Starbuck struggles sometimes.
I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about FEAR. She asked me to think about what I am so afraid of.
Right now...I'm avoiding my feelings. I don't want to feel it. I don't want to feel ANYTHING.
I find myself not commenting on our mutual friends' Facebook statuses and even avoiding FB altogether, for fear of seeing his name pop up in the comments section and my email inbox.
I avoid reading blogs I know he visits because, again, I don't want to 'see' him. I don't want to have to see him go back to he way he was, before he was with me.
I am afraid of the fucking internet, because this is where we met, this is where we saw each other every day when we were apart.
But they are nothing compared to the rest of my fears.
I sway madly between days, moments, when I can almost pretend like he never existed...and I feel normal again...for a while.
But then I remember, and it hurts, and the fear comes back.
So, what are my fears? They are hard to talk about, because then they are real...and it's ALL real and I feel like I am waiting for that ultimate BIG hurt that hasn't even come yet. It's the big hurt, that I can't even talk about....that I am most afraid of. I desperately need a buffer to that pain.
I also fear that...
I did the wrong thing.
I will never love like that again.
No-one else will want me.
I will be alone for the rest of my life.
That one day, it will be like our love never even existed.
There... I said it.
EDIT - it's now 14th April...and I think I can truly say that I no longer have these fears. Go me!