Saturday, December 26, 2009

Ahhh....



Now I'm happy.

Don't get me wrong, I actually ended up having a much nicer Christmas than anticipated as I made some rules and stuck to them and it worked out quite well ie we will do ALL our visiting on Christmas Day, I will not be my mother's taxi service (love ya really mum). I'm very glad to get back to my normal routine today though.




The kids and I had a lovely morning opening presents yesterday. They scored pretty well and are quite spoilt. I've included photos of them with their 'main' presents this year - an iPod Touch for Alex and NERF Longshot for Ethan (he's got a whole frikkin' arsenal now...luckily they only shoot foam bullets!).



I gave strict instructions for no chocolates for me this year (as I can always pinch a few of the kids ones) but Bad Santa ended up buying me a box of Caramel Belgian Truffles...which have somehow disappeared..well????.it was a really really small box ;)

The kids (via ex-hubby who, it appears is not completely useless after all) gave me a George Foreman steamer which I wanted (yays!) and then mum totally surprised me with a George Foreman Grill! I'd been going on about how I was going to try and find one in the after Christmas sales but she got in first.


Naughty Nanna also got me a bottle of divine Bombay Sapphire Gin, which I shall be sipping with tonic and lime, on my verandah, on lazy Friday afternoons over summer (that seems to be the only time I feel like a drink, other than when I have a social thingemy).
After lunch the kids and I spent an hour at my mum's brother's place and then an hour at her sister's place..that was all.
The best bit was coming home and flaking on the couch under the aircon. The kids and I, all in the same room but all on different media. I nodded off while watching Star Trek Movie, Ethan was watching youtube clips about NERF Gun assault tactics when killing zombies on my laptop with the headphones on and Alex was busy exploring her iPod Touch. Didn't speak much but we were all in the same room which was the best bit :o)
Today I will do more relaxing, read the instructions and recipe books for my George Foreman haul (as I've got big plans for a healthier eating plan for both myself and the kids for 2010 and beyond) and get a cardio workout in this evening. Perfect!
Hope you all enjoyed your Christmas xxx

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas Guys!


Yes this was TOTALLY staged and you shoulda heard the little bastards arguing about who should put the star on.
Have a wonderful and safe Christmas everyone xxx

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Signs

No not signs from above...ACTUAL signs.

I got the ideas from Em and Ali after their comments on a post about my new gym a while back. Have been too lazy to put them up.
I hope everyone's Christmas prep is going well . I finished the last of my Christmas shopping yesterday but still waiting on one of the boys presents to arrive from the UK..not holding out for that one. Might print up a photo of the present and wrap that instead.
Well I'm being badgered to get off here 'cos someone wants to go onto Second Life and into his Tardis he created. I'm going to have a lie down and watch a movie...ahh.....holidays....
x

Friday, December 18, 2009

Hahahaha!

That dickhead social worker guy who I agonised over texting and who didn't even bother replying to my drink invitation just texted me (11pm) ....trying to score an ounce of mull. Hahahaha...idiot!
I advised him that I thought he may have the wrong number, he apologised profusely and said goodbye.
I think that's kinda fucking hilarious. (although I kinda wish he'd done it on purpose).
Get's me in the mood for...hmmmmm....let me think.....
Oh, now I remember....MANFLESH!




Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Put on a happeee face

So there's me being happy. No really..I'm feeling a lot better than the last week or so. Knowing I can improve things on my own with supplementation has improved my mood already. Knowledge is power!
Now that I'm posting again here's a catch up...
Wall o' Man and I are putting off our coffee meeting (although I would rather a DRINK meeting) until after New Years as we are both flat out, he's working double shifts, moving house just after Christmas and I'm just not in the mood.
I got a new phone....a Nokia E71 (their version of the Blackberry). It didn't cost me anything as I just had to lock in my current plan for 2 years..which I would have done anyway. Very excited about that as it's like a portable office, syncs with my Outlook and beeps at me ALL day reminding me to do stuff.
Tomorrow is my last day of work for nearly 3 weeks. Don't go back until 5th January. Better still is the fact that it is because the uni is closed and none of it comes out of my annual leave!
The kids are going to Coffs Harbour again this year with their dad. He's taking them to Movie World and some other random World up there in QLD with all their cousins. They are leaving on 31st December and back on 18th January so some nice quiet time there for me (and I really need it).
My sister (in Seattle) is coming over for a couple of weeks (when my kids get back) along with her hubby and my beautiful niece. Haven't seen her since May last year so really looking forward to that.
Hmm...what else?
Oh yeah as you can see from the photo I've coloured my hair again. The foils were growing out and didn't want to get more as my hair was a little dry so put a semi-permanent through. You can still see the foils but they blend in more to disguise the roots.
Project Sexy Bitch 2010 is still ALL GO. I WILL be a Sexy Bitch ...at some time...in 2010.
Umm.....that's about it.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Chemical Heart


What a fucking misery guts I've been.
I was cruising along pretty well (apart from my back/neck problems) until about mid way through last week and then I fell into a major hole. I suddenly just felt NOTHING.
I don't feel that awful anxiety anymore, which is great, as doctor suspected it was purely the combo of study and the wrong meds that made it so bad..but suddenly I just started to feel nothing-at-all. This lasted right up until yesterday, when I had a shower (yes I was smelly).
Then, this morning I was wandering around the shopping complex finishing up my Christmas shopping and realised I was singing along to Bing Crosby and feeling all...Christmassy. Which is good....kinda.
I'd been pretty much ready to go back to the doctor and ask to go back on meds but thought I'd do some research first. After all, I didn't go on the meds for depression in the first place. I went on them for anxiety and sleeplessness. I wasn't depressed at all before I was medicated so no reason I should be depressed now.
Turns out there's a reason. Here's the gos'.
The brain has a bunch of neurotransmitters that signal it to release chemicals, such as serotonin and noradrenaline. The brain also has re-uptake transporters that move serotonin out of the brain after a time. The drugs I was taking blocked the re-uptake transporters so that the serotonin and noradrenaline hung around in the brain for longer and made me happy.
Now that the drugs are completely out of my system, the brain is taking a little while to get used to having to do shit on it's own. The little re-uptake fuckers are running amok and, having quietly increased in number while being suppressed for so long (kinda like the French resistance), are totally cutting loose and re-uptaking every bit of serotonin they can get their filthy little hands on.
It's going to take some time for their levels to drop (I was on drugs for 8 years). So what can I do in the meantime? I can try and get the serotonin and noradrenaline production line working overtime. And for that I need more neurotransmitters to nudge the brain into producing those chemicals.
GABA (Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid) is a neurotransmitter. Valerian can help stimulate GABA production naturally (and help with sleep) - so I'll be taking that. I'll also be taking Glutamine, which converts to GABA in the body. I'll also be taking Lysine as that increases the amount of Glutamine that is converted to GABA....simple really.
While doing all this research I had another look at the side effects of taking Tricyclic Anti-depressants. A lot of 'problems' I have, can indeed be attributed to the drug. One side effect I didn't know about until now is 'increase in breast size'..WTF??? Noooooooooo! Not the norks!!! Damn...my bra is getting roomier already.
And that is your science lesson for today.
EDIT - ya know...it's just occured to me how many people probably hit this spot and go straight back on the meds (as I nearly did) not realising that the body needs a period of re-adjustment. The doctor did not explain that to me. Doctors should know this shit.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Fare thee well Blockbuster (Guy)

So The Idiot Formerley Known as Blockbuster Guy (TIFKABBG) has sold one of his Blockbuster stores to Civic...the one I used to go to.
This is a good thing as I haven't been able to go there since June. I have to go to Civic which is all the way down and across the other side of the highway.
Yays!
TIFKABBG, as I think I mentioned in a previous post, is now The Jim's Mowing Guy. I think he must have had to sell to give his ex-wife some dosh. He's definitely still living with his parents 'cos I accidentally drove past there the other night at 11.29pm and his Jim's Mowing trailer was sitting out the front.
If you have no bloody idea what I am talking about (and are bored shitless), start here ...or work your way through The Man Flesh Files for the scintillating story of how a creepy crush became a totally awesome and pervy adventure, which resulted in me having sex for the first time since 5 February 2005, (between approximately 10.00 and 10.05pm.)
TIFKABBG also features in The Stalker Diaries if you are that way inclined.
I have no internet at home at the moment and that makes me sad. But, when I get my ADSL2+ next week am going to do MORE blogging and vlogs and a whole host of other shit because I LOVE IT, and I want to do lots more things I love from now on.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

This Week...


...I have been totally drug free.


I had a house inspection, a flooded garage/gym, a manflesh rejection and a maths exam and I still did NOT lose my shit.


Fuck I'm good.

EDIT - for those of you reading this out of context, the drugs in question were anti-anxiety meds I'd been on for 8 years.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Silence of the Phone


At this stage I can draw no conclusion other than that he must have been the victim of some sort of bizarre accident. Yes...that must be it.
The end.

Friday, November 20, 2009

There, I texted.

Thanks guys. I am not waiting for the poll to close cos I'm bloody impatient and I just want to do it and get it over with. I've never actually ever ever asked a guy out before (at least I can't remember doing it), so I'm a bit nervous. But, I did initiate the contact on RSVP so I thought it seemed appropriate that I follow up.
Oh and all the comments about my voice are so funny to me. I've always thought I had an awful voice and hated hearing myself speak on tape or video and BTW, he DID hear my voice. We spoke on the phone for approximately 84 minutes on Tuesday night.
So...the text. I went with number 2, cos that's the one Ali liked and he's a BOY so I'm hoping he knows his shit (no pressure though Ali!)
I texted about 10 minutes ago...no answer yet.....
Meanwhile in the world that exists OUTSIDE of Frankie's head....
The maths exams sucked big hairy gonads....everyone seemed to be of the same opinion about it.
I only answered probably 7 out of 20 questions (that's what happens when you don't open a book for 4 weeks) but only need about 25% in the exam to pass the unit. Never been in this position before..not knowing if I passed or failed. A bit like texting men I guess...

Waiting totally sucks - Vlog

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The gos'


So...the guy...

I met him on RSVP, thought his profile was interesting and sent him a 'kiss'.

He replied to my kiss via email and we continued with half a dozen emails over a couple of days. We seem to be very compatible and things were going nicely. Then out of the blue he sends me an email saying something like "look, you're not really what I'm looking for, I won't waste anymore of your time".

O...k...... (fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! I really liked this one!!)

Being, ME, I couldn't let that one go and obsessed about it for about...5 minutes, before I wrote back (like a loooozer) saying that 'I hoped it wasn't 'blah blah blah' because I was only joking and I think it may have given you the wrong impression".

He actually replied saying that it was not 'blah blah blah', it was 'this other thing' I'd said. I'm not going to go into what I said. It was a stoopid and irrelevant thing to say but there was no malicious intent behind it...he thought there was.

So..again, me being ME, I had to reply and tell him that I had meant no offence. At this stage I realised I had to pretty much pull something out of the hat to get him back onside. I didn't want to risk another 'rejection' email though so I ended my email with what amounted to an invitation, an insult and a challenge, all rolled into one sentence...ending with my mobile number.

And what do you know?...it worked!

He texted me a barrage of abuse. I insulted him back...text...text..text and then he called.

We had a bit of a laugh about my dirty tactics (he knew EXACTLY what I was trying to get him to do) and then chatted for an hour.

I quite like him. He's a Social Worker. He's also a single dad, having brought up his 17 year old son on his own. He's got a great sense of humour, he's totally politically incorrect and incredibly passionate about what he does for a living.

The conversation finished up with "I enjoyed our chat" (me) "Me too" (him).

That's IT.

I have no idea if I will hear from him again or if I'm still in the rejection basket. I did very well to not text him yesterday and will just suck it up and try not to analyse the crap out of it like I usually do. But of course I am really really hoping to hear from him before the weekend.

Meanwhile 6'5" 'wall o' man' still wants to take me out for coffee and I kinda promised him I'd get back to him after exams with a definite day/time we could meet....but all I can think about is Social Worker Guy.

I don't know what's happened to Oil Rig Guy. He's a bit of a worry...always online on RSVP, a bit of a player I think. He popped up to say hi the other day and I don't even think he remembered 'which one' I was. He may be slightly senile I think.

The end.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Do NOT...

...text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again. Do NOT text him. If he likes you he will call again.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Man Flesh Whisperer


OMG...I may have just pulled off the best sex-wrangling move in the history of the known universe.
Will report back if it actually.....ya know....works.....

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Friday, November 13, 2009

Re this morning's post

Thought I should clarify here that just because I want a relationship with someone a bit more mature...it doesn't mean I am not more than happy to have hot and steamy sexual relations with younger guys...who are hot....and steamy... and over 6ft tall.
What? Yeah I know this isn't the personal ads, but I'm just saying.

(call me: 555-C-O-U-G-A-R)

Re this morning's post

Thought I should clarify here that just because I want a relationship with someone a bit more mature...it doesn't mean I am not more than happy to have hot and steamy sexual relations with younger guys...who are hot....and steamy... and over 6ft tall.

What? Yeah I know this isn't the personal ads, but I'm just saying.

(call me: 555-C-O-U-G-A-R)

Big People Love



I'm feeling good, calm, serene.

Have been on only 25% meds since Monday.

Have a house inspection Tuesday and an exam Friday. Not stressed at all.

Oil Rig Guy hasn't called and I don't care. As much as I would love to lick his pecs, he doesn't really do it for me. Not sure why. It could be the height thing. He's only 5'10". I like taller than that..at least 6ft really. It's just a thing.

Met a nice guy on a dating site last night and had a chat for a while. Funny, I received about 60 contact requests the first day and I only accepted 3, he was one of them. He had not been on the site for ages apparently, and got an email from the site saying to check me out as I was a match for his criteria...so he did. Pretty cool. Quite serendipitous don't you think Kerry??

Anyway, we had a great chat. He's really interesting, literate (for a change), has very similar outlook on life as I do and similar views on some things that are quite important to me. Oh and he's 6'5" and built like a brick shithouse....he he....which gets me all a quiver. That's one big 'wall o' man' !

He's 48...48! I don't know what's happened to me lately but I've totally gone off younger guys. I am lying about my age on the dating site, saying I'm 38 (when I'm 44) as I thought I liked younger guys but there's been no-one under 40 that's grabbed my attention at all.

Six months ago I would never have considered dating a guy over 45 (I may have even blogged about it I think). Don't know why, they just didn't interest me. Now I look at the younger guys and I'm just 'meh'. I'm sure they're fine for younger girls but I'm over it.

I want BIG PEOPLE LOVE now.

It's all your fault Bronwyn!

Edit - Me and The Big Guy (wall o' man) had made a 'chat date' for Saturday night (as I have no life and he was going to log in from work as he does shifts). But just checked in on the site and he's left me a little note telling me how much he enjoyed our chat and that we should catch up. Now that's what I like, a man of action! I'm going to wait until after my exam next Friday before I accept any invitations though.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Frikkin' unpacking!



So I FINALLY got the garage unpacked and sorted. Fuck I'm tired and sore.

But I can start training again now thank g.a.w.d. 'cos I'm in so much pain at the moment I need to start getting my body moving again or everything is going to sieze up.

That's the garage and I LOVE it. It's double car length, opens up at both ends and it's under the house. We had a 37C day here a couple of weeks ago and it was SO cool under there.


I can open either the western or eastern end, depending where the sun is but it's wonderful when I can open both ends and let the breeze through. Just can't do that at night in case there are perves walking past the house (on a main road).

Here are some photos.

Yes, that is indeed a wall of firefighters....

Monday, November 9, 2009

Sexy Bitch

Thanks Kerry! You've snapped me out of it.

Been trying to pull my finger out but have not been totally committed to the cause.

Hmm..lose another 15kg - great for my health, my fitness, my strength, my fibromyalgia and my mental health. ALL of that was still not working for me.

But, to get my arse into gear to become A SEXY BITCH - has done it! Just like that!

I am sexual being. I want to flirt, I want to get the boobies out, I want to hairflick, I want to wear sexy clothes - I WANT MANFLESH DAMMIT!!!!

Going to get down to the 60's by Christmas (or near enough) via my low carb plan and then up the carbs/cals and hit the weights just in time for the silly season. I need more muscle!

That is all.

Friday, November 6, 2009

All good



I have today off so going to do some unpacking, planning and relaxing. I love my new life! Fridays and Mondays off. Might tack another work day on next year (as I really need the money) but for now it's a 3 day week and 4 day weekend every week.

Have not been 100% this week with all sorts of aches and pains and shoulder inflammation but my anxiety has been virtually non existent. I've been on only 50% dose since Monday. That's the lowest dose I've been on in about 3 years. It takes about a week for the levels in my blood to drop so there's a bit of a delayed reaction but all good so far.

A little disappointed that the guy I 'let go' didn't put up much of a fight. Actually he didn't put up any fight at all which assures me I made the right decision there.

So...what's next? Ok..just checked my list and apparently I have to 'workout like a motherfucker'. That's gonna take a while.... but how about 'eat really clean and start some walking'?

Yep...that'll do.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Taller



I saw a friend of mine the other day that I hadn't seen in a month or so. She shook her head and told me that the new hair must really be working for me as I was holding myself totally differently. She said I was like a different person. I've known her for more than 25 years and she's not said anything like that before.

I don't think it's my hair. I mean it does make me feel different, but I think it's more likely the GIANT weights that are progressively being lifted from my shoulders.

It happened again yesterday. I have been seeing my chiro for 5 years. I walked into his office yesterday and he just stood back and looked and said "are you wearing heels?". "No".. "Ok..well you are looking taller. Are you sure you're not wearing heels?"

Cool.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Monday, November 2, 2009

Seriously....


“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” Richard Bach
C'mon...seriously. Has anyone every actually done this? Ya know.....set someone free and had them actually come back??
I think it's probably a load of crap but I'm currently in the process of finding out. I've set someone free. Well ok..I've set him free a couple of times and yeah ok he's kinda come back. But I've really really set him free this time...really.
And no I'm not gonna talk about it 'cos it's stressful and it's one of those things that's been contributing to my anxiety and I need a yes or no on it and to move on.
Got a feeling it's gonna be a no....which is kinda disappointing but I'd rather it be 'no' than be kept wondering. I've been wondering for 4 months.
No, it's not The Idiot Formerly Known as Blockbuster Guy...who is now The Jim's Mowing Guy...but that's another story...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Our House



Did I mentioned that I absolutely ADORE our new house?
Yeah it's a rental...yeah it's not perfect. But, it's lifted my mood like nothing else has lately and been quite instrumental in my decision to change EVERYTHING. I just spent half an hour pruning 10 Bird of Paradise plants out on the front. No, we haven't got daylight savings...don't need it as because we are on a main road (only really busy in rush hour) we have huge orange streetlights right outside our house ALL night. It's kinda comforting and I feel quite secure with them on. The house has one less room than the other place, ie no big utility room out the back for the kids PC, xbox, ironing board...blah blah, but the rest of the house is so big and spacious (even the entrance hall and passageways) that we can fit more stuff in the rooms. I really do feel happy here. It's only a couple of hundred metres down the road from major shopping complex/cinema. Only 300m walk to primary school and 100m to the high school. It's on a hill so the yard is split level with stairs and awesome old fashioned plants like wisteria, hibiscus, money plants (squashed pea plants) roses, an umbrella tree and camellias but there's no lawn to look after (yays!) It also has front and back verandahs that are just begging for someone to be sitting and having a cuppa in the morning or a wine in the evening. Perfect for summer! So, yes. Happy. Calm too. Had a bit of an incident tonight when I usually would have lost the plot but I handled it well. And as well as coming off the meds I'm also PMS'ing..and I still didn't snap. Hmmmm...interesting.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

More betterish.....



Note to self -
Do NOT attempt to cut meds AND cut carbs at the same time...well at least not on the same day.
I got more foils though and they cheered me up no end!
I've cut my meds by 25%. I'll do this for a week to 10 days then cut down again by another 25%. These meds are short lived in the system so the side effects of discontinuation are pretty immediate.
Thought I was losing it this morning but turned out it was nothing 5 shortbread biscuits couldn't fix and realised the lightheadedness, wobblies and sleepiness were due to lack of carbs rather than lack of meds. Actually ONE shortbread biscuit would have done it but as Spiffo noted I was "doing a good impression of the Cookie Monster" at the time.
Seriously....feeling quite ok. It's amazing how not worrying about being stressed eliminates even more stress. I know I might get a temporary increase in symptoms while coming off the meds but there's nothing pressing I need to do or get done, so I'm not stressing as to how it will affect me...it's win win.
Spent this evening cleaning up at the old place. Will do a final vacuum and mop tomorrow and hand keys back on Thursday. Then can really enjoy unpacking and setting up the new place.
Had my final lecture yesterday - maths. Got my assignment back..just scraped through for an HD so no pressure going into the exam which is a relief.
I'm really looking forward to enjoying STUFF now. Whether or not I can do it drug free or on another drug better suited to me...I'll be doing it.
Thanks to all the gorgeous folk who commented and/or emailed/facebooked. It was VERY MUCH appreciated.
xxx

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Losing my shit


So I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before, but I have an anxiety disorder. It’s pretty bad. I’ve had it all my life but didn’t know what it was. I’ve had obsessive compulsive behaviour, Hypochondriasis and an addictive personality (addicted to anything). It's all part of the same disorder.
Things came to a head when I left my husband in 2001. I had a little brain snap and could not sleep for nearly 3 weeks. My well meaning doctor at the time put me on anti-depressants to help me sleep, he also told me it was help with my anxiety, which it did after a couple of weeks.
So, I’ve been on these tricyclic meds for eight years, gradually increasing my meds every year as the stressors in my life increased. Oops, I’m a single parent with a 5 year old and a 2 year old…meds…now I’m working 20 hours a week…let’s increase the dose, now I’m studying – increase again.
It’s got to the point lately where I can’t increase the dose anymore and my symptoms are worse than ever.
I’m not just talking ‘stressed out’. I’m talking debilitating anxiety with physical symptoms. It’s at the point that even if there is nothing ‘pressing’ that I am worried about, the physical symptoms just don’t go away. It’s like extreme butterflies in my chest and stomach nearly all day, followed by bouts of breathlessness, headspins and heart palpatations. This is nearly ALL day.
I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t string a sentence together. Every situation is a potential stressor, and usually blown out of proportion. A walk to the mailbox can set it off. There might be bad news or a bill I wasn’t expecting. The phone rings – this is going to be bad, just don’t answer it.
I thought I had everything under control but it’s been getting worse and worse, especially the last year or so – something had to give. These last few weeks trying to find a place to live and keep up with study and work and kids has just seemed to flick a switch that now I can’t turn off.
Study is the worst stressor, it’s unrelenting. As much as I’ve loved the challenge and the opportunity that university has given me (as a high school dropout) I have decided that I can’t continue. This has not been an easy decision and I’ve spent many sleepless nights worrying about it.
I’m half way through my degree. I’ve completed 13 units (and will complete another this semester). Two of those were prac units and 11 were academic units for which I received 7 HD’s, 3 D’s and one C (theology LOL). I’m half way there. Only 14 academic units and 1 prac unit to go. But I just can’t do it. I don’t want to do it.
This has taken me three years, and they’ve been three years of stress and tears and isolation and a decline in my health. I’ve neglected my kids, my family and my friends. I haven’t had a relationship and hadn’t even had sex until my one year leave of absence. I went from a healthy 70kg at the start of my degree (2006) to nearly 90kg in 2007 through to early this year.
I started my degree because I was passionate about health and fitness, in particular, strength training. But in the process of learning I found I was no longer DOING.
I’ve thought long and hard about why I am studying. What am I going to get out of it at the end. Yes it will be great to have a piece of paper saying I’m clever, but is it worth what I have lost? The thought of waking up in another 4 years, finally finished my degree and having spent the whole of my 40’s isolated, stressed and out of touch with reality is positively terrifying for me. It’s the same feeling I had when I realised I needed out of my marriage…the exact same feeling.
So I’m done.
I’m not saying I will never go back and finish. Maybe when Ethan is in high school (3 years time) I will go back..maybe never. I should be able to get a credit for my completed units if I re-apply at a later stage.
My lecturer/dean has tried to help and has been wonderful in suggesting I apply for a retrospective withdrawal for one of my units I have not been able to complete this semester, due to a near breakdown last week. I was quite happy just to lay in bed and fail but she wouldn’t let me. I know she would like me to stay on but it’s just not right for me now.
I saw my doctor today and she fully supports my decision (and encouraged it). She said that my previous doctor had put me on the wrong meds for anxiety and that we are going to wean me off my current ones and transition into some newer SSRI’s which are targeted at my condition. She said she can’t believe that I had actually managed the study all this time at that level without proper medication.

I will probably feel like a new person when the new meds kick in. But, first she wants me to try and relax…knowing I have made the right decision and to try and get my stress levels down first before we try to cut back on the meds. I still have a maths exam to get through and Christmas looming and have to completely wean of the old meds before I can start the new ones as you can't take them at the same time.
Right now my heart is beating so fast that I feel like I could have a heart attack and the thought of cutting back on my meds scares the shit out of me but it has to be done. I’m not kidding, I’m fucking terrified. I don’t know if I can handle getting any worse than I am now. I really feel like I could keel over at any minute. But I have to do this as we can’t increase the meds I’m on and in any case she thinks they’ve not been working for some time.
I just want to live a normal life. I haven’t enjoyed my life for quite some time. The constant stress of study and having something always hanging over my head, has taken the enjoyment out of everything. I want to be able to sit on the couch and watch Dr Who with my son without squirming around feeling like I need to go do research for a report. I want to be able to help the kids with their homework and chat and cook healthy meals instead of slapping easy crap on their plate because I’m too busy.
I want to go to work, work, come home, train, hang out with my kids, go out with my friends…normal life!


Arrgh….I know I’m waffling but I just want my fucking life back!!!! And I’m taking it!

I’m going to try and blog about it as this is supposed to be my diary but I’ve been too wound up to do it. I overcame that tonight by not typing straight onto my blog like I usually do but starting it in a word doc…not so daunting.

So there you have it. I’m not bloody superwoman I’m just as fucked up as everyone else.
But I do have great hair.