It's not me, it's SCIENCE...

What is it about a break up that makes you want to get drunk and flip the bird...

...flash your boobies...

...and flirt incessantly with the maintenance guy at work?

Well, I was watching my favourite tv show the other night and there IS a scientific explanation.  

Please observe ...

Yup, that explains A LOT.

PS - it's the first ep of the new season of Big Bang Theory - The Skank Reflex Analysis, which hasn't aired in Oz yet, but it's worth the wait.

10 years on...and Catch up Vlog

Well this was supposed to be a really awesome vlog about the 10 years I've been a single mum, but it just ended up being me rambling and playing with my hair a lot.

You get that....

Single again....

....and I'm more than fine with it.  This break up started 4 weeks ago and my feelings for him evaporated not long after. 

Not gonna talk details here, although some of you FB buddies already know.  HIS issues, not mine.

Not going to waste any more energy on it.

NEXT!!!...

x

In a crazy, noisy room full of bellowing uncles, cackling aunts and screaming kids...

...he gently pushes my hair behind my ear and smiles down at me.

Bliss.

PS - shut UP

The Return of RollerGirl?

So I'm a skater from way back....or should I say WAS a skater.  Actually I was only a skater for about 3 years, 1979 to 1981, but they were memorable years.  Now, 30 years on I am attempting a comeback!

Seriously,  I am totally obsessed with thoughts of skating again, to the point where I am dreaming about it.

It all started a few weeks ago when I went to the Rollerdrome with Ethan and Nerd Guy.  Nerd Guy can skate.  He's good.  He was a speed skater.  Number 1 son had a ball (see vid in previous post).  I did not skate.  I sat in the corner and watched, took photos, stuffed around on my iphone and surveyed the area for bogan threats... (assessment - Bogan Defcon - 4).  But, I was quietly SPEWING.  I wanted to be out there, but couldn't, due to dodginess of my lower back/sacrum from early this year.  Serves me right for not doing my rehab.  Not so much the skating part I was worried about, but the falling down part.

And then the dreams started...

See, the thing is - I thought I could still skate.  I thought I was just gonna get up there, take off and whiz around with the wind in my hair and Lady Gaga in my ears, leaving all and sundry in my dust.  It never occurred to me that actual skating would be the problem.

I started dreaming about skating, about about three times I think.  And these were positive dreams, so it appears that even my subconscious had no idea how fucking unco' I'd become.

Ya see usually if you are worried about something you have one of those 'disaster dreams'.  You know the ones.  You have an exam the next day - you dream that your alarm doesn't go off and you miss it.  You have a date  the next day - you dream you sprout a massive zit on the end of your nose...  

But, in my skating dreams I was totally fucking awesome.  I'd whack on my skates and I was off...rolling like the wind.  Nerd Guy featured in a couple of the dreams but in the last dream, during the couples skating song, a guest star made an appearance.  It was Eric Dane ... McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy.  SERIOUSLY.    Oh we had such fun, skating around hand in hand.  He'd occasionally flip around and skate backwards, gazing longingly into my eyes... but I digress...

So...yeah, really thinking I can skate at this stage.  I just assumed it would be like riding a bike...a skill that would just kick in when needed.  

I was wrong.

The other day (first day without rain for ages) I put my original skates on (apart from a change in wheels back in the 80's) and stepped out onto the front paving.  

One step, chucked the splits, splat.

That's how far I got.  That photo up top....not staged.  I refused to get up until Ethan came out and took a photo of me (even in pain I was thinking of Facbook/Blog value).  He had to help me up. I couldn't even stand up without losing it. He then DEMANDED I take my skates off.  There was a genuine look of fear in his eyes.  Not wanting to traumatise my baby boy, I obliged.

The next day at work I madly googled "skating lessons".  My plan - to undertake secret, intense training and surprise Nerd Guy.  I don't merely want to not fall down, I want to skate backwards, do clever shit.  I wanna be good!  It's also great, low impact cardio (again, if you do NOT fall down).

So that's the plan.  Of course I'm crap at keeping secrets and divulged  said cunning plan immediately to His Nerdness, who then offered to teach me himself.  While a lovely, romantic gesture (visions of Robby Benson teaching that blind chick to skate in the movie 'Ice Castles' ...click here if you are too young to remember), there is no way I am looking like an absolute frikkin' r'tard in front of Nerd Guy and his friends.

No way.

I'm not.

I mean it.

Eric understands...

Friday Night Fun

Ethan and Nerd Guy

VLOG - Interview with Nerd Guy on a Tuesday

Testing out the vid on my new phone.  


This is for ME and Nerd Guy....oh and my sister in Seattle (hey Donna this is HIM!!)  The rest of you?  Well it's gonna make you throw up in your mouth a little.


Don't say I didn't warn you...

46...

So I turned 46 this week....Thursday actually.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what to write.  Should it be a retrospective on the last year?  Maybe a comparison with where my life was this time last year?  Should it simply be a snippet about what I did for my birthday?  What to write....what to write....? I think I'm just gonna start typing and see what happens...

Nerd Guy has been really supportive of my writing....even though I haven't done any since March, (Yeah, he reads my blog....no, he's not a blogger.) Even now that I'm 'back' my posts are literally just snapshots of my life right now.  I probably wouldn't have posted at all if not for him telling me "your friends need to know that you're happy now".   

And I AM happy.

My life at the moment does not resemble in any way, shape or form, my life, this time last year.  Quite frankly, most of the last 18 months has sucked MAJORLY.  Oh, there were good bits, but the stress prior to those good bits, or resulting from those good bits far outweighed any 'good' at the time and the cumulative result left me pretty fucked up, both physically and emotionally.  

I'm not gonna re-hash all the 'stuff', you can go back and read about it if you want, but it pretty much covered 5 of the top 10 'stressful' events in one's life - job loss, death of family member, moving house, relationship breakup and illness.  

But, out of the blue, I found a way to deal with the stress (no...not drinking!), the last 18 months started to fade from thought, and I started to see only the good that has come out of it.

1.  I have a permanent job, 15 minutes from home.

2.  We live in a great house, in an awesome area.

3.  I'm even closer to my extended family.

4.  I've lost 10kg since this time last year (about 10 to go still...)

5.  I'm no longer afraid of having a relationship...

... which is a good thing, 'cos then I met Nerd Guy.

He doesn't like that name, and I don't blame him.  He's actually not a nerd at all.  He's VERY cool.  We like a lot of the same stuff.  We like doing the same kinda things (our first date was ten pin bowling).  Ok...now that I'm talking about HIM I might as well fill you in on the gos'....

We met on RSVP...yes!  RSVP.   And, to date, he seems relatively sane.  We didn't realise we had so much in common right away, I just got a nice 'vibe' from his profile, but after a couple of emails we realised we had a heap of common interests...which always gives us something to talk about.


So....a bit about His Nerdness...


He's 43 in September, 6'1" and has lovely green eyes :o).  His kids are same age as mine (two boys 12 and 15).  He's been divorced nearly as long as me (hallelujah!) and lives only 15 minutes away.  Hmm...what else?  Oh, he was a graphic designer in advertising for many years and now he's in his final year of a Fine Art degree, majoring in photography.  He also works part time as a carer...basically, he's pretty fucking awesome (and he thinks I say 'awesome' too much...).


Ok...enough about my ACTUAL FOR REAL LOVE LIFE...


Back to my birthday!


I ate way too much cake at work on Wednesday, then took Thursday and Friday off for a fabulous birthday, long weekend.  


Thursday was 'girlfriend day' and I went to to the movies with a friend to see Hangover 2, had a haircut...just enjoyed not being at work.  Nerd Guy popped round with his boys in the evening.  It was a good birthday.


Friday was 'boyfriend day'.  I spent around 5 hours, in bed, enjoying the view....

...ummmm yeah, there were some other things I was enjoying but this was the only photo he'd let me use (he has a strict 'no nudity' clause).


As for the rest of my birthday weekend...who gives a crap?  I'm still back at 'boyfriend day'...

Weekends...

...are awesome when shared.

Nerd Guy & Geek Girl

Sooo....I've been spending a LOT of time with a certain guy lately.

He's just lovely.

I could prattle on about how he's tall and handsome and smart and artistic - but I won't.

I could also write a page or two about how HOT I am for him - but I won't.

However I WILL say that for the last couple of weeks I've been smiling WAY more than I have done for a very long time :o)

Here's some photos of what we've been up to...

Ciao!

Fear

So, even Starbuck struggles sometimes.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about FEAR.  She asked me to think about what I am so afraid of.

Right now...I'm avoiding my feelings.  I don't want to feel it.  I don't want to feel ANYTHING.

I find myself not commenting on our mutual friends' Facebook statuses and even avoiding FB altogether, for fear of seeing his name pop up in the comments section and my email inbox.

I avoid reading blogs I know he visits because, again, I don't want to 'see' him.  I don't want to have to see him go back to he way he was, before he was with me.

I am afraid of the fucking internet, because this is where we met, this is where we saw each other every day when we were apart.

But they are nothing compared to the rest of my fears.

I sway madly between days, moments, when I can almost pretend like he never existed...and I feel normal again...for a while.

But then I remember, and it hurts, and the fear comes back.

So, what are my fears?  They are hard to talk about, because then they are real...and it's ALL real and I feel like I am waiting for that ultimate BIG hurt that hasn't even come yet.  It's the big hurt, that I can't even talk about....that I am most afraid of.  I desperately need a buffer to that pain.

I also fear that...

I did the wrong thing.

I will never love like that again.

No-one else will want me.

I will be alone for the rest of my life.

That one day, it will be like our love never even existed.

There... I said it.

 EDIT - it's now 14th April...and I think I can truly say that I no longer have these fears.  Go  me!

What would Starbuck do?

So.....I couldn't stay down in the cold for another second.  Too many gorgeous friends up here, who I miss badly.

Thanks for your wishes and emails. I'm ok.

Well, I wasn't ok....but I am now, kinda. No of course I'm not over it...this was a big one.  But I refuse to wallowing in it a second longer.

So what did I do?

Did I get shit-faced drunk? NOPE...haven't had a drink since 14th Jan in Sydney.  

Did I  stuff my face with junk food? - NOPE... still on my awesome diet and shrinking rapidly. 

Did I put my profile back up on an internet dating site to make myself feel better? - NOPE (but it was touch and go for a while) ....Man Proof Cave looks good for a while me thinks.

So, what did I do??

I just had a big fucking cry, and thought to myself "What would Starbuck do?".

SHE would just suck it up, and continue to be her arse-kicking, fabulous self... 


...which I am.

Anyways...

Memphis Steve has tagged me to do an 'accents' vlog...... so I'm gonna post that later today.


Catchya!

The Titanic

So there was this relationship.  Let's call it The Titanic.

It was all new and shiny and wonderful...and everyone wanted to come along for the ride.

It was SO beautiful.  Everything seemed perfect....and so it sped along.

But it sped along too fast.  

By the time the captain realised there was an iceberg ahead, his feet chilled to the bone...it was too late.

He tried to slow it down and threw the engines into reverse, but put such a strain on her, she cavitated badly.  

Again he tried to correct course and slow down to a speed more suited to the conditions, and...for a brief moment, it looked as though disaster had been averted.

On the surface everything looked fine, but underneath the waterline, she was damaged beyond repair.  

There was no hope of keeping her afloat.


Women and children left first...

And then, as the band played on ....she was gone.


*******************************************


I won't be blogging for a while.


It's too cold and dark down here.

When I was a Rock Chick - Part 2

So....I was in, and it was awesome!

We had the perfect set up.

The drummer (my boyfriend) lived in what used to be his dad's engineering business in an industrial area of the outer suburbs.  It was a very large factory with living quarters at one end (which by this time I was living in as well).

The best thing about this set up was that industrial areas have no noise restrictions - we could jam 24/7 if we wanted.  But, we didn't.  We still all had our day jobs.

I was an admin assistant, the drummer was a toolmaker, our lead guitarist was an apprentice tradie of some sort, as was our rhythm guitarist and lead singer.  Our sax player was a mechanic and our bass player was an apprentice chef. 

We'd all toddle off to our day jobs, then every night after dinner, we'd practice.  When practice was done we'd smoke a joint and either practice some more or just sit on bean bags in the corner and crap on.

Let me tell you, being the only girl amongst 6 guys, EVERY night of the week...was very interesting!  Some of the stories I heard will never, ever fade (even though I wish they would).  Wanking stories were  my favourite... hahaha!  I seriously think they forgot I was there sometimes.

Anyways....

We started getting local gigs not long after I joined.  We played at quite a few of the pubs around Perth.  At first, my nerves were so bad I would nearly vomit every time I had to get up on stage (especially if I had to get out the front for a song).  Eventually I discovered bourbon....and that pretty much took care of that!

Country tours were the best fun.  We'd hire a bus, trailer, pack up all our shit and we were off!  The drives usually ended up WAY longer than planned.  A 6 hour drive ended up around 10 hours because we were all so off our face there was always someone who wanted munchies at every frikkin' stop!

We did Geraldton, Albany, Busselton, Kalgoorlie and Kambalda.  Our two guitarists were both from Kambalda so we always had a blast when we were there.  We even snagged a Christmas/New Years gig which had us up there for nearly two weeks.  The NY's gig was over 3000 people at the massive Kambalda Hotel.  It was awesome!  We drove back to Perth that night, straight after the gig, to perform New Years night at a club in Fremantle on NO SLEEP, but we somehow pulled it off.  

My time with the band was one of the highlights of my life.  It was only 2 years, but it was the BEST.  

I left the band in '87.  I'd split with the drummer a few months before that, which made things kinda awkward.  Then I developed RSI in my forearms, from my job.  I ended up on workers comp.   I couldn't even hold a pen....and I couldn't play.

So, that was that.

But it wasn't all doom and gloom.  The band got another keyboard player, and carried on as usual.

I consoled myself with booze...and men.....lots of men.

Being in a band is kinda awesome....if you are single.  The guys got SO laid, it was ridiculous.  The drummer and I were happy with our coupledom..and that was fine at the time.

However... I'd just come out of a three year abusive relationship, straight into another 18 month,  serious relationship with no time to breathe....and now was time to cut loose!  The three years between leaving the band and meeting my ex -husband to be, were spent PARTYING!

I had a lot of catching up to do.  All those hot guitarists and drummers (I don't do bass players) who I could only admire from afar while with my boyfriend....were fair game now.  I wasn't a groupie you see.  I was now 'legit'.  I was one of them.  

They were a FUN three years.  I even accidentally slept with our rhythm guitarist while up at the Bindoon Rock Festival (my bad).  

I loved to hang out at pubs and stand up at the bar during sets. I'd wait for a beautiful guitarist to wander over for a drink when they were on break, and wait for those magic words - "Hey, didn't you used to play keyboards for the Boxcars?"

"Why, yes I did.  Buy me a drink?"

The End.

Next up - Part 3: What happens on tour stays on tour - The Photos

Sydney

So..... we're back!

The trip was great.  The kids and I were thoroughly spoilt.  Not going to waffle on, but here it is in dot points!

• Did the tourist thing (our first time in Sydney - Manly Ferry, Luna Park, Taronga, Opera House, Museum)
• Kids didn't kill each other
• Had dinner at the worst Chinese restaurant EVER
• Shagged each other senseless (got first one in 20 minutes after I arrived!)
• Talked/laughed/cried (ok the crying was just me...)
• Met the mother (eeek!)
• Met the divine KatieP (xxx)
• Met fingers (what a c*nt!)
• Caught my first fish! (first time fishing, ever!)

The photo is at Bams' mum's place on the Central Coast.  I caught the little bream and he caught the big one.  They were delicious!

It's 10 weeks until I see him again.  Missing him way too much already.

But it's all good :o)

347...

... the number of different ways Bams and I are gonna shag when I get to Sydney.


No, seriously, we made a list.....

Holidays

                                  

That's 2!!  Just 2 weeks 'til I wake up next to Bams :o)

I'm on holidays at the moment...and the best bit is that none of it comes out of my annual leave.  I work at a university and we don't get a lot of the Monday public holidays during the year, but the uni shuts down over Christmas and we all get the time off.  This year it closed lunch time on 22nd Dec and won't open again until 4th January - AWESOME!

Then, I go back to work for just three days before I am on actual leave again and off to Sydney with the kids!!  I can barely contain myself.  But, I've managed to get through seven weeks without him, two more's not gonna kill me (I hope!).

Anyways....

Christmas was the usual.  Not a massive fan but do like to catch up with my crazy rels and see the smiles on my thoroughly spoilt kids faces when they open their presents (yes I spent way too much as usual).  I was spoilt by the kids too and also received the most incredibly thoughtful, hand-made gift from my beautiful man.  Feeling very special at the moment.

Unfortunately it was the usual stinkin' hot Christmas here.  Nearly 40 C yesterday.  Estimated 38 today and 40 again tomorrow.  SUCKS, but we have a heavy duty aircon so I'm not leaving the house for the next 2 days.  Bugger the after Christmas sales, I'm camping out in my loungeroom!

I hope you and yours all had a wonderful day too x

NOT that sort of blog!

So I have a stat counter.  It can tell me a lot.

I love seeing all the little country flags pop up showing people from all over the world landing here, some by accident, some not.

I'm not obsessive about it, it's a public blog, but I do notice if something unusual shows up.  Sometimes it's a 'trawler' who's going back through all my old posts.  I don't mind trawlers at all.  I have lots of old posts I am proud of and it's great when they are discovered by someone new to The Fifi Dangerfield Files.

Bams reckons I'm a stalker stalker.  I'm not.   Well.....ok, maybe I am.  Ok seriously, if I wasn't in my current job I would be probably be working for ASIO.  I admit it, I'm pretty fucking good.  I'm an analyst by nature.  I can take information and find the patterns.  It's my thing.  I also found it very useful when I was studying.

Anyways....

I just had to laugh on the weekend when I saw several hits on The Man Flesh Files in 'search' mode.  They searched for the following....in this order - 'size', 'sex', 'cock, 'dick', 'penis'.  You know who you are.....I don't!

Curious, I did the same search, and here are the results.

SIZE - several results....mostly to do with the SIZE of my arse or the SIZE of my jeans.

SEX - a few more results...mostly to do with my LACK of it.

COCK - zero results

DICK - zero results

PENIS - zero results

Yes I am happy to announce that over the last two years I have not mentioned cock, dick OR penis once.  It's not been by any means intentional....I was quite surprised myself!

However if they were to search VAGINA.....


Oh fuck it.  Now I've said ALL of them.

Together Apart

So.....after last week's pathetic attempt at trying to do a VLOG update on my love life (below), I thought I would give it another go - 

It's going well.  REALLY well.

Today marks four weeks since Bams left and things are just...... lovely.

I thought our time apart would be excruciating.....but it hasn't been.  Things have just gotten better and better.  

Because we can only express ourselves with words (and the occasional pornographic photo), we've become closer than ever.  And as much as I would love to be near him, (instead of 4000 kms away), I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing.

Yeah, I'll admit I've had a couple of moments where I've let my over active imagination get the better of me, and have had what can only be described as a 'spazz', but overall, it's been just DELICIOUS.

And what's most delicious is the anticipation of when we will see each other again.  It's not like before, when we hadn't met yet.  It's different now.  And, I'm sure after our next meeting, it will be different again.  And what a meeting it's going to be!

In less than five weeks time Fifi, Bams and five kids aged from 11 to 15...together, in Sydney, for 8 days.  S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y.  I'm beside myself with excitement! (ok...and a little fear).  I just can't wait.  But I have to.  So, I will continue to enjoy all the romancing between now.......and then :o)

And, in January, we'll hatch plans for .... the next time.

VLOG with sookie lala

So I tried to do a VLOG and this is what happened.  Thought twice about posting but...fuck it.. it's me and how I'm feeling.  Didn't feel right to try and re-do it.   D.E.A.L.