There, I texted.

Thanks guys. I am not waiting for the poll to close cos I'm bloody impatient and I just want to do it and get it over with. I've never actually ever ever asked a guy out before (at least I can't remember doing it), so I'm a bit nervous. But, I did initiate the contact on RSVP so I thought it seemed appropriate that I follow up.

Oh and all the comments about my voice are so funny to me. I've always thought I had an awful voice and hated hearing myself speak on tape or video and BTW, he DID hear my voice. We spoke on the phone for approximately 84 minutes on Tuesday night.

So...the text. I went with number 2, cos that's the one Ali liked and he's a BOY so I'm hoping he knows his shit (no pressure though Ali!)

I texted about 10 minutes ago...no answer yet.....

Meanwhile in the world that exists OUTSIDE of Frankie's head....

The maths exams sucked big hairy gonads....everyone seemed to be of the same opinion about it.

I only answered probably 7 out of 20 questions (that's what happens when you don't open a book for 4 weeks) but only need about 25% in the exam to pass the unit. Never been in this position before..not knowing if I passed or failed. A bit like texting men I guess...

Losing my shit

So I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before, but I have an anxiety disorder. It’s pretty bad. I’ve had it all my life but didn’t know what it was. I’ve had obsessive compulsive behaviour, Hypochondriasis and an addictive personality (addicted to anything). It's all part of the same disorder.

Things came to a head when I left my husband in 2001. I had a little brain snap and could not sleep for nearly 3 weeks. My well meaning doctor at the time put me on anti-depressants to help me sleep, he also told me it was help with my anxiety, which it did after a couple of weeks.

So, I’ve been on these tricyclic meds for eight years, gradually increasing my meds every year as the stressors in my life increased. Oops, I’m a single parent with a 5 year old and a 2 year old…meds…now I’m working 20 hours a week…let’s increase the dose, now I’m studying – increase again.

It’s got to the point lately where I can’t increase the dose anymore and my symptoms are worse than ever.

I’m not just talking ‘stressed out’. I’m talking debilitating anxiety with physical symptoms. It’s at the point that even if there is nothing ‘pressing’ that I am worried about, the physical symptoms just don’t go away. It’s like extreme butterflies in my chest and stomach nearly all day, followed by bouts of breathlessness, headspins and heart palpatations. This is nearly ALL day.

I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t string a sentence together. Every situation is a potential stressor, and usually blown out of proportion. A walk to the mailbox can set it off. There might be bad news or a bill I wasn’t expecting. The phone rings – this is going to be bad, just don’t answer it.

I thought I had everything under control but it’s been getting worse and worse, especially the last year or so – something had to give. These last few weeks trying to find a place to live and keep up with study and work and kids has just seemed to flick a switch that now I can’t turn off.

Study is the worst stressor, it’s unrelenting. As much as I’ve loved the challenge and the opportunity that university has given me (as a high school dropout) I have decided that I can’t continue. This has not been an easy decision and I’ve spent many sleepless nights worrying about it.

I’m half way through my degree. I’ve completed 13 units (and will complete another this semester). Two of those were prac units and 11 were academic units for which I received 7 HD’s, 3 D’s and one C (theology LOL). I’m half way there. Only 14 academic units and 1 prac unit to go. But I just can’t do it. I don’t want to do it.

This has taken me three years, and they’ve been three years of stress and tears and isolation and a decline in my health. I’ve neglected my kids, my family and my friends. I haven’t had a relationship and hadn’t even had sex until my one year leave of absence. I went from a healthy 70kg at the start of my degree (2006) to nearly 90kg in 2007 through to early this year.

I started my degree because I was passionate about health and fitness, in particular, strength training. But in the process of learning I found I was no longer DOING.

I’ve thought long and hard about why I am studying. What am I going to get out of it at the end. Yes it will be great to have a piece of paper saying I’m clever, but is it worth what I have lost? The thought of waking up in another 4 years, finally finished my degree and having spent the whole of my 40’s isolated, stressed and out of touch with reality is positively terrifying for me. It’s the same feeling I had when I realised I needed out of my marriage…the exact same feeling.

So I’m done.

I’m not saying I will never go back and finish. Maybe when Ethan is in high school (3 years time) I will go back..maybe never. I should be able to get a credit for my completed units if I re-apply at a later stage.

My lecturer/dean has tried to help and has been wonderful in suggesting I apply for a retrospective withdrawal for one of my units I have not been able to complete this semester, due to a near breakdown last week. I was quite happy just to lay in bed and fail but she wouldn’t let me. I know she would like me to stay on but it’s just not right for me now.

I saw my doctor today and she fully supports my decision (and encouraged it). She said that my previous doctor had put me on the wrong meds for anxiety and that we are going to wean me off my current ones and transition into some newer SSRI’s which are targeted at my condition. She said she can’t believe that I had actually managed the study all this time at that level without proper medication.

I will probably feel like a new person when the new meds kick in. But, first she wants me to try and relax…knowing I have made the right decision and to try and get my stress levels down first before we try to cut back on the meds. I still have a maths exam to get through and Christmas looming and have to completely wean of the old meds before I can start the new ones as you can't take them at the same time.

Right now my heart is beating so fast that I feel like I could have a heart attack and the thought of cutting back on my meds scares the shit out of me but it has to be done. I’m not kidding, I’m fucking terrified. I don’t know if I can handle getting any worse than I am now. I really feel like I could keel over at any minute. But I have to do this as we can’t increase the meds I’m on and in any case she thinks they’ve not been working for some time.

I just want to live a normal life. I haven’t enjoyed my life for quite some time. The constant stress of study and having something always hanging over my head, has taken the enjoyment out of everything. I want to be able to sit on the couch and watch Dr Who with my son without squirming around feeling like I need to go do research for a report. I want to be able to help the kids with their homework and chat and cook healthy meals instead of slapping easy crap on their plate because I’m too busy.

I want to go to work, work, come home, train, hang out with my kids, go out with my friends…normal life!

Arrgh….I know I’m waffling but I just want my fucking life back!!!! And I’m taking it!

I’m going to try and blog about it as this is supposed to be my diary but I’ve been too wound up to do it. I overcame that tonight by not typing straight onto my blog like I usually do but starting it in a word doc…not so daunting.

So there you have it. I’m not bloody superwoman I’m just as fucked up as everyone else.

But I do have great hair.

Getting there.

Well my food, exercise and study routine's have gone out the window the last week but my packing is coming along nicely. I've basically packed everything that I can pack apart from the stuff we use every day, ie clothes, kitchen/bathroom and laundry stuff. The house is a maze of packing boxes and the shed is also filling up fast.

I'm not hiring professional removalists as my workmates have offered to help me move so I'm going with it (will save about $400) and I've called on a few other friends to help ferry stuff back and forth in their cars. Frustrating thing is I'm moving about 200m up the road..that is all, but the packing still needs to be done.

I'm actually looking forward to the move now. Quite excited about it. What started out as a frikkin' nightmare has now turned into an adventure. I just got on top of things and got stuff sorted as soon as I could and now I can concentrate on my studies.

Yes I've left my uni stuff til the last minute but it's the way I always seem to work and I still get there in the end. I do really need to pull my finger out now though or it will be a struggle. Moving on 10th October so need to get my maths assignment finished and my presentation research done by then. I'm worried about my internet re-connection being delayed but I can always go into work to do my research if necessary.

So that's it. Fitness and nutrition have just been hit and miss past few days. Expecting a big spike on the scales for Thursday's weigh in as have been over indulging on the carbs and the salt (and it's TTOM) but fine with it as have different priorities right now and I know it's only temporary.

Really really looking forward to the end of semester. I can finish unpack, set up my new gym (in the garage) and get stuck into 3 months of full on training over summer so I will be strong and fit for first semester next year. Until then I'll just stick to my low carb diet and concentrate on getting the fat off my bits.

Ok...bed.

Same ol'

Not much to report today. Packed all weekend. Supposed to be studying all week but all I'm doing is thinking about packing..thinking about studying.

Taking tomorrow off work to try and get my maths assignment done..then all that needs doing for maths is to cram like all hell the week before the exam.

It's my other unit I am worried about as I have to give a presentation, write a frikkin' research report and do weekly 'reflections' on each tutorial topic....haven't started ANY of that yet and it's all due within 2 or 3 weeks of me moving house. MUST finish the maths and start researching or I will be IN THE POO.

Weight wise, still trying to get rid of a kilo fluid I put on over the weekend. Been eating a few too many carbs since then so it's been taking a while to come off. Will cut right back to just protein and greens today and see how I go for my weigh in tomorrow. Would really love to hit the 75's this week.

Wish it would stop raining so I could do some BLOODY WASHING!!! grrr.

Bye.

Well today sucked...

...TOTALLY sucked.

Was still on a high from yesterdays exam, got ready for work, skipped to the mailbox and found a bloody letter from the rental agent advising my lease would not be renewed at the end of October.

I called them when I got to work and was advised that the house had been sold and was being bulldozed. Oh.

Then, I finally managed to get in contact with the selling agent (different bloody real estate agencies) and he advised that ..ooops. the guy who he thought was an investor, and who I let through the house last week bought the house. However, turns out he's not got his Australian residency yet, which means he's not allowed to own an investment property. So, he is going to buy the place and leave it vacant til everything goes through and then bulldoze it next year.

The bloody place could sit vacant up to a year and I'm out on my fucking arse!!

The agent said he tried to talk him into some sort of arrangement for me to stay here and pay him 'cash' but he didn't want to 'break the law'. Fucker.

But..while I was on a Poo Cherry to Pearls 'roll' I decided that all things WILL be positive and proceeded to call and email all my friends so they could convince me why. I am now convinced.

I have to be out by 29 October, which is a week after all my final assignments are due (so I will basically be presenting my final assessment and then having the removalists in the next day). I don't know how I'm going to prepare for a 20 minute talk while packing up my life but it's got to be done. Then two more weeks til exams.

Needless to say I'm starting early. Going to try and get my 3 assignments done ASAP and do a bit of packing every day. The main problem will be actually finding a place we can afford that is still not too far from the schools.

Oh well, that's that I guess. Can't do much about it so just have to get on with it.

On a brighter note I ended up with a 92% for my maths exam so I'm trying to focus on that. It was worth 30% of final mark so I've made a good start.

Ok..got so much to organise and lists lists lists ....

Cya

Sweet Relief

Oh.My.God. I am SO glad that's over.

Had my mid-semester maths exam this morning and I am relieved beyond words....'cept for all the words I am going to write now.

I got about 4 weeks behind in my studies..as I do every semester and then had to rush to catch up. Unfortunately that does not work with MATHS. If you miss one lecture or tutorial (yeah I wagged a couple) you have no fucking idea what they are talking about in the next tutorial.

All the lessons build on each other so by the time we had our 'mock' exam two weeks ago - I got NOTHING correct. Actually it was worse than that - I didn't even know what I was supposed to do with the numbers.

Frikkin' quadratic equations and factoring and converting to binary and...my most feared foe....simultaneous equations (although I did have a dream about them the other week and woke up thinking I knew how to do them..when in fact I only knew how to do them IN MY DREAM).

I have spent the last 2 weeks cramming like a motherf*cker and finally collapsed in a heap last night unable to understand the last two chapters and unable to actually remember any of the previous chapters I had worked on.

I woke up at 4am (FAAARK!) and cried again..well actually I was too tired to cry, I kinda just sat in my comfy chair while my tear ducts dry retched. I tried again to work on the last two chapters but then thought "fuck it" as it was 3 hours to exam time and if I didn't know it then I was never gonna know it.

I try not to study for the hour or two before an exam. I find it can make me very tired. So I just sat and watched TV for an hour and tried to get my mind to calm down.

Got to the exam and there were all the little Vegemite's studying madly, trying to force some extra formulas into their little heads before exam time. Again.."fuck it"...and sat there with my eyes closed, trying to catch a few more zzzz's.

I was basically packin' it. I didn't think I'd fail but I was sure I'd only just pass (and it was worth 30% of the final mark). But then something happened. A weird kinda calm came over me. I just started working my way through.

When I got to a couple of the longer equations I just stared and thought "WTF?" but then, suddenly, I started seeing patterns in the numbers and things started popping out at me and whizzing around in my head......

I kid you NOT, it was like an episode of that TV Show 'Numb3rs'. Very surreal.

Then I was done. I couldn't believe I was the 3rd person to finish. I felt like I got everything right, although I'm sure I didn't, but I think I did pretty bloody well. I guess I will know when the results come in (no idea when that is).

So I am here..collapsed in my chair. Thinking I should workout. Thinking I should do.... something.

But I'm not going to DO anything.