Changes...

I'm so fucking bored with it all.

My life, my attitude, my blog.

So, I'm changing those things, and making the life I want.

I'll still be blogging here, about my personal crapola.....not that I have anything exciting to report in that area..... but if I do, you'll be the first to know.

Gonna put my energies into my new blog. 

Still tweaking it and learning how to use Wordpress but should be up soon. 

Can't wait for some new adventures.

I'm not connecting my new blog to this, as it's going to be available to friends and family as well as 'blog buddies' and strangers (and would DIE if my mum read all about my sex life!) so if you would like my new blog address, please email me at fifidangerfield@hotmail.com

Those of you following my new twitter account will have it there on my profile.

Catch you later...

xxx

Monet's Garden

Wandering....

I'm wandering around a little lost at the moment.  I don't like it.  I like to have purpose and direction.

I guess I haven't had direction for a while, but other things have been distracting me from that fact.  I also seem to have an almost crippling fear of decision making at the moment.  Always fearing I will make the wrong one.

Have I always been like this?  I don't think so.  Or maybe I was just content to be me all those years and now I feel like I should be MORE.

Too many options, too many paths...

I decided last week to go down one path (study wise) and decided this week to go down another study path.  My mind is always racing, my head is always spinning.

End result - NIL.

Fuck this for a joke, I need a Personal Thinking Assistant...

*skids to a halt*

Well fuck ME, that was one furious post break-up blogging frenzy (about mostly nuthin!).

I’m off for a vodka and a lie down.
 
Back when..ya know…something ACTUALLY happens…
 

The Return of RollerGirl?

So I'm a skater from way back....or should I say WAS a skater.  Actually I was only a skater for about 3 years, 1979 to 1981, but they were memorable years.  Now, 30 years on I am attempting a comeback!

Seriously,  I am totally obsessed with thoughts of skating again, to the point where I am dreaming about it.

It all started a few weeks ago when I went to the Rollerdrome with Ethan and Nerd Guy.  Nerd Guy can skate.  He's good.  He was a speed skater.  Number 1 son had a ball (see vid in previous post).  I did not skate.  I sat in the corner and watched, took photos, stuffed around on my iphone and surveyed the area for bogan threats... (assessment - Bogan Defcon - 4).  But, I was quietly SPEWING.  I wanted to be out there, but couldn't, due to dodginess of my lower back/sacrum from early this year.  Serves me right for not doing my rehab.  Not so much the skating part I was worried about, but the falling down part.

And then the dreams started...

See, the thing is - I thought I could still skate.  I thought I was just gonna get up there, take off and whiz around with the wind in my hair and Lady Gaga in my ears, leaving all and sundry in my dust.  It never occurred to me that actual skating would be the problem.

I started dreaming about skating, about about three times I think.  And these were positive dreams, so it appears that even my subconscious had no idea how fucking unco' I'd become.

Ya see usually if you are worried about something you have one of those 'disaster dreams'.  You know the ones.  You have an exam the next day - you dream that your alarm doesn't go off and you miss it.  You have a date  the next day - you dream you sprout a massive zit on the end of your nose...  

But, in my skating dreams I was totally fucking awesome.  I'd whack on my skates and I was off...rolling like the wind.  Nerd Guy featured in a couple of the dreams but in the last dream, during the couples skating song, a guest star made an appearance.  It was Eric Dane ... McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy.  SERIOUSLY.    Oh we had such fun, skating around hand in hand.  He'd occasionally flip around and skate backwards, gazing longingly into my eyes... but I digress...

So...yeah, really thinking I can skate at this stage.  I just assumed it would be like riding a bike...a skill that would just kick in when needed.  

I was wrong.

The other day (first day without rain for ages) I put my original skates on (apart from a change in wheels back in the 80's) and stepped out onto the front paving.  

One step, chucked the splits, splat.

That's how far I got.  That photo up top....not staged.  I refused to get up until Ethan came out and took a photo of me (even in pain I was thinking of Facbook/Blog value).  He had to help me up. I couldn't even stand up without losing it. He then DEMANDED I take my skates off.  There was a genuine look of fear in his eyes.  Not wanting to traumatise my baby boy, I obliged.

The next day at work I madly googled "skating lessons".  My plan - to undertake secret, intense training and surprise Nerd Guy.  I don't merely want to not fall down, I want to skate backwards, do clever shit.  I wanna be good!  It's also great, low impact cardio (again, if you do NOT fall down).

So that's the plan.  Of course I'm crap at keeping secrets and divulged  said cunning plan immediately to His Nerdness, who then offered to teach me himself.  While a lovely, romantic gesture (visions of Robby Benson teaching that blind chick to skate in the movie 'Ice Castles' ...click here if you are too young to remember), there is no way I am looking like an absolute frikkin' r'tard in front of Nerd Guy and his friends.

No way.

I'm not.

I mean it.

Eric understands...

46...

So I turned 46 this week....Thursday actually.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what to write.  Should it be a retrospective on the last year?  Maybe a comparison with where my life was this time last year?  Should it simply be a snippet about what I did for my birthday?  What to write....what to write....? I think I'm just gonna start typing and see what happens...

Nerd Guy has been really supportive of my writing....even though I haven't done any since March, (Yeah, he reads my blog....no, he's not a blogger.) Even now that I'm 'back' my posts are literally just snapshots of my life right now.  I probably wouldn't have posted at all if not for him telling me "your friends need to know that you're happy now".   

And I AM happy.

My life at the moment does not resemble in any way, shape or form, my life, this time last year.  Quite frankly, most of the last 18 months has sucked MAJORLY.  Oh, there were good bits, but the stress prior to those good bits, or resulting from those good bits far outweighed any 'good' at the time and the cumulative result left me pretty fucked up, both physically and emotionally.  

I'm not gonna re-hash all the 'stuff', you can go back and read about it if you want, but it pretty much covered 5 of the top 10 'stressful' events in one's life - job loss, death of family member, moving house, relationship breakup and illness.  

But, out of the blue, I found a way to deal with the stress (no...not drinking!), the last 18 months started to fade from thought, and I started to see only the good that has come out of it.

1.  I have a permanent job, 15 minutes from home.

2.  We live in a great house, in an awesome area.

3.  I'm even closer to my extended family.

4.  I've lost 10kg since this time last year (about 10 to go still...)

5.  I'm no longer afraid of having a relationship...

... which is a good thing, 'cos then I met Nerd Guy.

He doesn't like that name, and I don't blame him.  He's actually not a nerd at all.  He's VERY cool.  We like a lot of the same stuff.  We like doing the same kinda things (our first date was ten pin bowling).  Ok...now that I'm talking about HIM I might as well fill you in on the gos'....

We met on RSVP...yes!  RSVP.   And, to date, he seems relatively sane.  We didn't realise we had so much in common right away, I just got a nice 'vibe' from his profile, but after a couple of emails we realised we had a heap of common interests...which always gives us something to talk about.


So....a bit about His Nerdness...


He's 43 in September, 6'1" and has lovely green eyes :o).  His kids are same age as mine (two boys 12 and 15).  He's been divorced nearly as long as me (hallelujah!) and lives only 15 minutes away.  Hmm...what else?  Oh, he was a graphic designer in advertising for many years and now he's in his final year of a Fine Art degree, majoring in photography.  He also works part time as a carer...basically, he's pretty fucking awesome (and he thinks I say 'awesome' too much...).


Ok...enough about my ACTUAL FOR REAL LOVE LIFE...


Back to my birthday!


I ate way too much cake at work on Wednesday, then took Thursday and Friday off for a fabulous birthday, long weekend.  


Thursday was 'girlfriend day' and I went to to the movies with a friend to see Hangover 2, had a haircut...just enjoyed not being at work.  Nerd Guy popped round with his boys in the evening.  It was a good birthday.


Friday was 'boyfriend day'.  I spent around 5 hours, in bed, enjoying the view....

...ummmm yeah, there were some other things I was enjoying but this was the only photo he'd let me use (he has a strict 'no nudity' clause).


As for the rest of my birthday weekend...who gives a crap?  I'm still back at 'boyfriend day'...

Naked

I'm not embarrassed by my indecision, or my highs and lows...

...my love, my fears, my shortcomings...

...my anger, my impatience, my heartbreak...


...my insecurities, my tears...

...my joy.

So, if you know me...you know ME...

And then you know...I'm gonna be just fine.

Stripped bare.

You should try it.

When I was a Rock Chick - Part 2

So....I was in, and it was awesome!

We had the perfect set up.

The drummer (my boyfriend) lived in what used to be his dad's engineering business in an industrial area of the outer suburbs.  It was a very large factory with living quarters at one end (which by this time I was living in as well).

The best thing about this set up was that industrial areas have no noise restrictions - we could jam 24/7 if we wanted.  But, we didn't.  We still all had our day jobs.

I was an admin assistant, the drummer was a toolmaker, our lead guitarist was an apprentice tradie of some sort, as was our rhythm guitarist and lead singer.  Our sax player was a mechanic and our bass player was an apprentice chef. 

We'd all toddle off to our day jobs, then every night after dinner, we'd practice.  When practice was done we'd smoke a joint and either practice some more or just sit on bean bags in the corner and crap on.

Let me tell you, being the only girl amongst 6 guys, EVERY night of the week...was very interesting!  Some of the stories I heard will never, ever fade (even though I wish they would).  Wanking stories were  my favourite... hahaha!  I seriously think they forgot I was there sometimes.

Anyways....

We started getting local gigs not long after I joined.  We played at quite a few of the pubs around Perth.  At first, my nerves were so bad I would nearly vomit every time I had to get up on stage (especially if I had to get out the front for a song).  Eventually I discovered bourbon....and that pretty much took care of that!

Country tours were the best fun.  We'd hire a bus, trailer, pack up all our shit and we were off!  The drives usually ended up WAY longer than planned.  A 6 hour drive ended up around 10 hours because we were all so off our face there was always someone who wanted munchies at every frikkin' stop!

We did Geraldton, Albany, Busselton, Kalgoorlie and Kambalda.  Our two guitarists were both from Kambalda so we always had a blast when we were there.  We even snagged a Christmas/New Years gig which had us up there for nearly two weeks.  The NY's gig was over 3000 people at the massive Kambalda Hotel.  It was awesome!  We drove back to Perth that night, straight after the gig, to perform New Years night at a club in Fremantle on NO SLEEP, but we somehow pulled it off.  

My time with the band was one of the highlights of my life.  It was only 2 years, but it was the BEST.  

I left the band in '87.  I'd split with the drummer a few months before that, which made things kinda awkward.  Then I developed RSI in my forearms, from my job.  I ended up on workers comp.   I couldn't even hold a pen....and I couldn't play.

So, that was that.

But it wasn't all doom and gloom.  The band got another keyboard player, and carried on as usual.

I consoled myself with booze...and men.....lots of men.

Being in a band is kinda awesome....if you are single.  The guys got SO laid, it was ridiculous.  The drummer and I were happy with our coupledom..and that was fine at the time.

However... I'd just come out of a three year abusive relationship, straight into another 18 month,  serious relationship with no time to breathe....and now was time to cut loose!  The three years between leaving the band and meeting my ex -husband to be, were spent PARTYING!

I had a lot of catching up to do.  All those hot guitarists and drummers (I don't do bass players) who I could only admire from afar while with my boyfriend....were fair game now.  I wasn't a groupie you see.  I was now 'legit'.  I was one of them.  

They were a FUN three years.  I even accidentally slept with our rhythm guitarist while up at the Bindoon Rock Festival (my bad).  

I loved to hang out at pubs and stand up at the bar during sets. I'd wait for a beautiful guitarist to wander over for a drink when they were on break, and wait for those magic words - "Hey, didn't you used to play keyboards for the Boxcars?"

"Why, yes I did.  Buy me a drink?"

The End.

Next up - Part 3: What happens on tour stays on tour - The Photos

When I was a Rock Chick - Part 1

I wasn’t always a single, working mum.  I was married once.  Before that I was a party girl, and before that……I was a rock chick.

The 80’s was an awesome time to be growing up in Oz, and the music of the time, was a big part of the magic.   Before the internet, CD’s and iPods, we spent hours sitting in front of our radio’s waiting for our favourite song to be played and, when we heard those first few notes, leapt across the room to hit ‘record’ on the cassette deck….. ahhhh the mixed tape!   I remember spending a WHOLE weekend camped in front of my stereo/radio waiting for U2’s ‘Two hearts beat as one’ and when I finally captured it – I ran a victory lap around the lounge room. 

That lounge room was in a tiny flat, near the railway line that I shared with my boyfriend.  I was with him from age 17 to 20.  He was an abusive paranoid schizophrenic, but I was in love with him, so I stayed.

Spending three years of your life, terrified, is not pleasant.  Every move I made was scrutinised.  Everything I did, everything I wore, everywhere I went, was questioned.  I got anxious merely walking past him.  I never knew when that arm was going to lunge out, grab me and throw me against a wall.

I was not allowed to buy new clothes, go out with my friends, or wear makeup (which was quite distressing at the time as I had bad acne).  I lost touch with all my friends, took drugs and got very thin.   ‘Frankie’ ceased to exist for a while there.

I tried to run a couple of times.  The local cop shop was just a block away.  I remember running down the footpath at midnight in my nightie, hoping desperately that someone was on duty but, the lights were all off.   I had nowhere to go, and ended up being pushed backwards over the brick wall surrounding the carpark.  I was dragged home by my hair.

But, in 1985 I got out.  Fuck me, I don’t know how I did it, I was sure he’d kill me……but I did it.  I was finally free….. and I was 8 weeks pregnant.

I’m not going to go into my thought processes at that time other than to say I was 20 years old and was not going to continue a pregnancy that would see me permanently linked to a psycho.  So….that was that.

I moved back to my mum’s.  My younger sister was still at home and we took the opportunity to do some much needed bonding.  This involved mostly just drinking and smoking mull, but it was bonding nonetheless.

Much to my surprise she had joined a cover band, as keyboard player.  We’d both had piano lessons when we were younger but neither of us thought it would ever amount to anything….fun.  I can’t remember how she got started but I do remember being thrilled to bits and tagging along to band practice.  The band was called ‘Burning Boxcars’ (hahaha, don’t laugh).  Much to my further surprise (and delight) my high school sweetheart (and the guy who whisked away my virginity) was the drummer! 

It took the drummer and I about two days to hook up again and suddenly I was the ‘roadie/door chick’.  Unfortunately I didn’t see much action (in the band area) as they didn’t get that many gigs!  Nevertheless it was fucking awesome to be part of it! 

A few months in, my sister broke up with the guitarist.  It was messy.  End result – she left the band and went to Seattle!  So….. here is a cover band, repertoire finally sorted, new name, all ready to hit the local scene, and NO KEYBOARD PLAYER or back up vocalist.

"Ummm….excuse me guys but, I can play".

My initial attempts were met with a resounding "No fucking way",  the lead guitarist being my greatest opponent.  He was dead set against anymore ‘in-band' relationships (I was living with the drummer by now). 

I wouldn’t let it go.  Every time they practiced I would flick on the spare mic and belt out the harmonies for all their songs.  I have a fucking good voice! (and I sound just like my sister). 

In the end, I wore them down.

I was in!

To be continued…

(for Bams)

Sydney

So..... we're back!

The trip was great.  The kids and I were thoroughly spoilt.  Not going to waffle on, but here it is in dot points!

• Did the tourist thing (our first time in Sydney - Manly Ferry, Luna Park, Taronga, Opera House, Museum)
• Kids didn't kill each other
• Had dinner at the worst Chinese restaurant EVER
• Shagged each other senseless (got first one in 20 minutes after I arrived!)
• Talked/laughed/cried (ok the crying was just me...)
• Met the mother (eeek!)
• Met the divine KatieP (xxx)
• Met fingers (what a c*nt!)
• Caught my first fish! (first time fishing, ever!)

The photo is at Bams' mum's place on the Central Coast.  I caught the little bream and he caught the big one.  They were delicious!

It's 10 weeks until I see him again.  Missing him way too much already.

But it's all good :o)

NOT that sort of blog!

So I have a stat counter.  It can tell me a lot.

I love seeing all the little country flags pop up showing people from all over the world landing here, some by accident, some not.

I'm not obsessive about it, it's a public blog, but I do notice if something unusual shows up.  Sometimes it's a 'trawler' who's going back through all my old posts.  I don't mind trawlers at all.  I have lots of old posts I am proud of and it's great when they are discovered by someone new to The Fifi Dangerfield Files.

Bams reckons I'm a stalker stalker.  I'm not.   Well.....ok, maybe I am.  Ok seriously, if I wasn't in my current job I would be probably be working for ASIO.  I admit it, I'm pretty fucking good.  I'm an analyst by nature.  I can take information and find the patterns.  It's my thing.  I also found it very useful when I was studying.

Anyways....

I just had to laugh on the weekend when I saw several hits on The Man Flesh Files in 'search' mode.  They searched for the following....in this order - 'size', 'sex', 'cock, 'dick', 'penis'.  You know who you are.....I don't!

Curious, I did the same search, and here are the results.

SIZE - several results....mostly to do with the SIZE of my arse or the SIZE of my jeans.

SEX - a few more results...mostly to do with my LACK of it.

COCK - zero results

DICK - zero results

PENIS - zero results

Yes I am happy to announce that over the last two years I have not mentioned cock, dick OR penis once.  It's not been by any means intentional....I was quite surprised myself!

However if they were to search VAGINA.....


Oh fuck it.  Now I've said ALL of them.

The Code

My friends and I live by a code.  It is an honourable code.  

This is the code between women (and not just those you know - this can, at times, extend to perfect strangers) that you will not let each other look like complete dickheads/losers in public.....if you can help it.

What sort of situations are covered by the code?  I think you probably know them already.  Here's a just few...

"You've tucked your skirt into your undies".

"You've got toilet paper stuck to the back of your jeans/your shoes/whatever".

"You've got something stuck in your teeth".

"You've got black stuff in the corner of your eye"

"Ummm.... are you sure you really want to wear that?"  sometimes known as "you look like mutton dressed as lamb".

"You've got a dried up bogie sticking out your nose".

You get the idea. I'm sure you can come up with a few more.

But there's one situation that's a little tricky..it's a bit more of a 'sensitive' issue.  That issue is - upper lip hair.  I know!  Seriously....how do you tell someone that's cultivating a rain forest on their upper lip that it's time to get out the hot wax or Nair!  And what happens if they don't care to do so? It's a frikkin' minefield.

I have on occasion been MORTIFIED to glance at myself in the rear view mirror and spy veritable whiskers sprouting from my top lip.  "Why didn't somebody tell meeeee?  I look like a fucking walrus!!!"

So, some close friends and I have a developed a code word...a phrase....a friendly nudge that can be used, anywhere...anytime that these heinous hairs are spotted.

And that code word is.....

MAGNUM P.I.

Be a friend.  Use it.

The strangest thing

If you've been reading my blog a while, you'll know I've had body issues.

Maybe that's the reason I've been single for so long.  Who fucking knows.  I just know that my negative impression of myself has held me back, in more ways than one.

For the last few years especially, since I put on quite a few kilos, the mirror has not been my friend.

Every house I have lived in has a BIG bathroom mirror and gets the morning sun - you know what I'm talking about ladies?  I might as well be in front of a Kmart change room mirror... it's that bad.

The past few months, since I let myself date again were the worst.  Every morning to have to see, in the harsh light of day, every lump, bump, dimple, scar and wrinkle, was enough to make me want to throw the towel in and retreat to the cave - permanently.  

But the strangest thing has happened.  

For the past couple of weeks I've been getting up in the morning and looking in that same mirror....same lighting.....same body.  Only I realise now, all I see - is ME.

And all it took was knowing that someone..... loves all of me.

Fifi's Fortnight

I'm going to be flat out busy the next two weeks and won't have internet access at home for the latter half, so I thought I'd do a little photo montage of what the next fortnight holds in store for me.

And no, I'm not telling...

Like a woman possessed

My head is spinning.  So much has happened in the last 7 days.  This time last week I was distraught at the prospect of having to move AGAIN (3rd time in 3 years).  Our lease expired last Monday and I got a call from the agent that day advising that the owner was selling.  

I instantly went into 'losing my shit' mode.  

The agent tried to reassure me that it wasn't a 'fait accompli'.  We may be able to stay, if an investor buys it.  But, that would still mean a 'Home Open' every f/night and us hanging by a thread not knowing what the future would bring.

Well fuck that!

I decided to take my power back and pre-empt any move.  I started looking Tuesday.  I wasn't sure if it was the right decision, but ex-hubby stepped up and said he'd pay for the move so I thought I'd roll with it.  And I'm so glad I did.

We are moving 'home' :o)

Eight years ago when I split with my husband, I moved up from a semi-rural area to an inner city suburb.  It was a big move.  It was scary, and I felt completely alone...but not for long.

I moved into a little street that leads to a park.  But this wasn't just any street.  This was a street where the neighbours care.  They want to know you.  They hang about on the verge and chat, day or night.  The kids play on anyone's front lawn, at any time, even if you are not home.  There was 'the tree' - a beautiful climbing tree that swallowed up several children at a time.  On summer days when there wasn't a sign of a single child in the street, if you stood under that tree, a faint giggling could be heard.  It was a good street.  

My next door neighbours were the BEST.  A couple in their sixties who acted as surrogate grandparents for my two (who were 3 and 6 when we moved in).  They looked after me through my hip injury, took me shopping, to the physio and made sure the kids got to school.  I sat with them and held their hands when their baby grand daughter died.  They were like family.  

We lived in that street for six years.  I'll always consider it where the kids 'grew up'.  And then, one day, we had to leave.

That was 3 years ago.  We've still kept in contact but it's not been the same..until now.  I found a house..right next door to where I lived before - in the street!

We are so excited!  The house had only been advertised that day when I found it online.  The owners had spent two weeks re-painting, putting in new window coverings and getting the landscaping organised.  It's a great little house (and I knew I was going to take it straight away as I'd been in that house a hundred times before).  Yesterday the agent confirmed my application was successful.

I drove down the street on the weekend.  Word had gotten around that we were coming home.  One of my old/new neighbours spotted the car and rushed out to get the gos' on whether we were really moving back.  It was a beautiful feeling...no really, it was gorgeous.

I'd been worrying whether it was the right decision, as the house is a little more than I can afford, but after the greeting I received and the excitement on my 'family's' faces, I knew this was going to be a wonderful thing for me and the kids.

So, I've been running around like a woman possessed and I've got most things sorted.  Removalists - TICK, electricity - TICK, gas - TICK,  phone - TICK...now it's just.........the packing.

Here we go again......

Frankie's Phatness

You may or may not have noticed that all my health, FM, fitness and fatness posts have been disappearing over the last couple of weeks.  They're not gone, just moved.  

I've not posted a lot about it this year...I think I only counted 13 posts.  That's because I'd had a gut full of it.  Pain, treatment, injuries...I just could not take one more physio or chiro session, so I went cold turkey.

Also, I'd become increasingly uncomfortable blogging here in this space about my health and fitness stuff.  This started out as a weight loss blog, but morphed into something else - way more fun.  I love hanging out here :o)  

But, I've got to pull my head out of the sand, have things treated, get fit again and kick some serious arse.  My wake up call was my knee fuck up recently.  I damaged the cartilage....and it's still not better, but it at least got me going back to the physio.

There's two sides to Fifi....so if you want to see what the other side gets up to...the link is in the sidebar.

M.I.A. and Lurkers

Hey there.

Today I decided to tidy up my blog list (work's slow) and found that nearly 25 of the blogs I used to read either no longer exist or have not be active for over a year.  Where is everyone?  

I love a good read so, if you have been lurking quietly up until now please pop in and say hello in my comments section.  I always love checking out new blogs.  And, if you haven't got a blog, pop in and say hi anyway.  

I tell you all my stuff.....I need to stalk you back!

Fly By Post

Wow, can't believe it's been so long since I posted. So..just a quickie to let you know how things are going.

I'm flat out! New job is going well. Still getting to know everyone and everything but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it soon enough. Everyone is really lovely so I'm very happy (and loving my new pay cheque!).

I'm feeling quite relaxed and stress free. Already have enough money put aside (after only two pays) for any major car repairs that may come up. Now to save towards moving house....but don't think we will have to move as it's supposed to be a 'long term' investment property. Would still like to have the money there just in case though.

I've only just settled into a routine as such this week as the first couple of weeks of my new job were during the school holidays so I took a couple of days off here and there to be at home with the kids. This is my first full week of work and I am knackered!

I know I'll get used to it soon enough. Getting much more organised and preparing everything the night before, so am able to get out of the door relatively early so that I'm home not long after the kids are.

My health and fitness have taken a back seat during the transition period. Didn't go totally off track though. I ordered Lite N Easy for the first two weeks (so I wouldn't fall into bad habits and buy take-away) and that kept me on the straight and narrow.

Watch out summer!