Mission Report - Day 27/42

So it's day 27.

I'm still doing my light cardio...around every other day and do feel better for it. Not HEAPS better, but better than I did at the start....so that's a good thing.

My shoulder rehab has fallen by the wayside. I just keep forgetting to do it. I'm going to have to work on a strategy to start getting into it again. When I was doing weights, I just added it in to the start of my program..there, on the paper, so I couldn't forget. What to do...what to do...

I know I said I wouldn't weigh myself, but I have been. My weight today is EXACTLY the same as it was on day one of the challenge. Not surprising as my eating has fallen in a hole these past couple of weeks. I think did lose a kilo or two at the beginning, but all my stress eating since I found out my contract was not being renewed, has taken care of that loss.

Yeah yeah I know I'm using it as an excuse. I'm just saying.

So...a couple of weeks left and I'll try to get the cardio and nutrition thing synchronised and see what happens.

As far as job hunting goes. Well..it's going very slowly. There are so many factors I need to consider. Does it pay enough for me to do part-time, is it close enough to home to do full-time? What are the actual hours and will it affect the kids after school activities? Every job I look at has to be put under the microscope before I even apply.

I did start out wanting to apply for EVERYTHING, but soon discovered that writing a good application is quite stressful and tiring and decided that I would just apply for those jobs that I thought I would enjoy. I'm still quite confident I will find something, so not going to apply for just anything at the moment. I'm worried that if I get a full-time job that I don't really like, I won't then be able to look for something else..and be stuck there.

Also, there is a chance of a last minute reprieve at my current workplace. My boss and the School Dean put together a proposal to save our centre and two of the admin staff's jobs by sharing staff with another small research centre within the school. The School Dean now has to put the proposal to the Faculty Dean and see what he thinks.

This would be the ideal solution for me right now. The easy solution I guess. I do need to work more hours than I am working now, the kids and I are really struggling financially at the moment, but if our Centre just gets a handful of research projects up and running, I should be able to double my hours at work and my position should be safe for at least a couple of years (or the life of whatever the projects are).

But, things will get tricky if I am offered one of the government positions I applied for in the meantime. I applied for a Housing Officer position and also a School Officer position (at my daughter's high school).

These are permanent positions with the government. I'm not sure what I'd do if I had to make the choice. I'm very confident about the School Officer one as I'm more than qualified and it's just over the back fence. But, it's part time and on a lower salary than I'm on now, and more hours (resulting in my income remaining almost the same). It would be a safe and easy choice. But if I stay where I am, there is the potential to nearly double my weekly income. But it's not permanent or secure. It's year to year.

Probably stupid of me to waffle on now as both scenario's are IF's.

Fuck I hate waiting.

Dazed and Confused

Spent most of the week in a daze. Woke up 3am most mornings and not able to get back to sleep because I was sick with worry and have started having random anxiety attacks again.

Fuck. How did I get myself into this position at nearly 45 years of age???? I have NOTHING.

If I'd stayed with my ex I'd have a beautiful house on half an acre, half way paid off my now.

Is that why people stay together, even if they are miserable? Because they can't afford to leave? I suspect so.

Oh well. I've never done things like everyone else.....my bad.

Will spend all my spare time at work this week looking for another job. Just over six weeks until my last paycheck.

Gulp.

Oh Noes!

It's happened! My girl Alex announced on Monday night that she 'has a boyfriend'.

Nooooooooo!!!!

She turns 14 next week...my baby.

Prayin' to God (notice how there IS conveniently a God when I choose there to be one?) that she's nothing like I was at that age. Although...I guess I was still pretty innocent at 14. But it was a fast and slippery slope over the next year and by the time I was 15 I was toting one big hunka manflesh on my arm. He was two years older than me, and had the testosterone and body of a twenty year old. Needless to say, I wasn't innocent for long.

Not so worried about Alex at this stage. This is her first boyfriend. He's in her year at school. I did a 'mini-stalk' of him on Facebook last night and, quite frankly, I can't imagine he's even got any pubes yet.

So I've established some ground rules and gonna play it by ear.

Alex herself said she doesn't quite know what 'going out with' actually entails...and right now it just means hanging around in the same group at school and telling everyone you are 'going out'.

At the moment there's a 'double date' in the planning with Alex, The Boyfriend, one of her best friends and her new boyfriend (they apparently all started 'going out' last Thursday, in some sort of mass, synchronised love frenzy). No doubt this will just involve the movies and McDonalds...an outing that she and a mixed group of friends have been doing on a regular basis over the last year, so I'm happy with that.

My baby's all grow'd up.

Ethan is thrilled, probably at the anticipation of all the shit he can give her about it. I warned him to give her a break as one day he'll have a girlfriend and shit always comes back at you.

He doesn't care.

The conversation concluded with him kindly pointing out - "mum, you are going to be 50 by the time I have a girlfriend".

Little fucker.

Hope

So after my posting yesterday about the importance of having 'hope', I got an email from my dad's cousin in British Columbia, Canada (he doesn't read my blog).

It's a link to a live webcam in an eagles nest. I've been watching the mum tidy the nest and feed the chick...so cute.

But what I found so wonderful is that the baby's name is 'Hope'.

If you get a chance, pop in there and have a look. Getting dark now but might catch some action.

Just click on this link.

EDIT - well I had a better read of the site and apparently it was the chick born last year that was named 'Hope'. This year's chick is named 'Phoenix' (hatched Friday)...somewhat apt also as I fully intend to rise from the ashes as well! he he...

EDIT - July. It's with great sadness that I update this. Phoenix seemed to be growing and thriving and was days away from taking her first flight, when she came down with a sudden and severe respiratory illness and passed away. Poor baby :o(

Job Job Job

Friday was a rest day. Thank Gawd!

Lucky it was as I spent nearly the whole day writing a job application letter. I confirmed with the Head of School in our part of the uni that my contract does indeed expire on 30 June and no sign of extensions at this stage. It's a shame, as there will be working coming in later in the year, maybe around September, but I can't wait that long and will have to find alternative employment immediately.

I'm ready to leave though. I've been there too long and I'm stagnating and losing my skills. It's like working in a rabbit warren. I've been stuck in the same office for 7 years and lately the number of people I get to interact with has declined rapidly. I'm bored out of my fucking mind.

The first job I have applied for is going back to the customer oriented side of things, which I love. It's with the Dept of Housing. My first two long term jobs, before I had the kids, were housing related and I really do have all the skills needed to do the job. I'm really excited about the prospect of getting it.

A few people have told me not to get excited about it though as, in their opinion, I am unlikely to get the first job I apply for. They are telling me 'not to get my hopes up'.

Bugger that! You GET what you BRING to yourself, and that's why I always fall on my feet. Why even apply for jobs if you have a negative attitude?

I have always HATED people telling me not to get my hopes up. I mean, if you haven't got hope...what the fuck DO you have? I even got a 'hope' symbol tattoo, to remind me.

I mean, seriously.....hope is everything.