347...

... the number of different ways Bams and I are gonna shag when I get to Sydney.


No, seriously, we made a list.....

Holidays

                                  

That's 2!!  Just 2 weeks 'til I wake up next to Bams :o)

I'm on holidays at the moment...and the best bit is that none of it comes out of my annual leave.  I work at a university and we don't get a lot of the Monday public holidays during the year, but the uni shuts down over Christmas and we all get the time off.  This year it closed lunch time on 22nd Dec and won't open again until 4th January - AWESOME!

Then, I go back to work for just three days before I am on actual leave again and off to Sydney with the kids!!  I can barely contain myself.  But, I've managed to get through seven weeks without him, two more's not gonna kill me (I hope!).

Anyways....

Christmas was the usual.  Not a massive fan but do like to catch up with my crazy rels and see the smiles on my thoroughly spoilt kids faces when they open their presents (yes I spent way too much as usual).  I was spoilt by the kids too and also received the most incredibly thoughtful, hand-made gift from my beautiful man.  Feeling very special at the moment.

Unfortunately it was the usual stinkin' hot Christmas here.  Nearly 40 C yesterday.  Estimated 38 today and 40 again tomorrow.  SUCKS, but we have a heavy duty aircon so I'm not leaving the house for the next 2 days.  Bugger the after Christmas sales, I'm camping out in my loungeroom!

I hope you and yours all had a wonderful day too x

Merry Christmas

NOT that sort of blog!

So I have a stat counter.  It can tell me a lot.

I love seeing all the little country flags pop up showing people from all over the world landing here, some by accident, some not.

I'm not obsessive about it, it's a public blog, but I do notice if something unusual shows up.  Sometimes it's a 'trawler' who's going back through all my old posts.  I don't mind trawlers at all.  I have lots of old posts I am proud of and it's great when they are discovered by someone new to The Fifi Dangerfield Files.

Bams reckons I'm a stalker stalker.  I'm not.   Well.....ok, maybe I am.  Ok seriously, if I wasn't in my current job I would be probably be working for ASIO.  I admit it, I'm pretty fucking good.  I'm an analyst by nature.  I can take information and find the patterns.  It's my thing.  I also found it very useful when I was studying.

Anyways....

I just had to laugh on the weekend when I saw several hits on The Man Flesh Files in 'search' mode.  They searched for the following....in this order - 'size', 'sex', 'cock, 'dick', 'penis'.  You know who you are.....I don't!

Curious, I did the same search, and here are the results.

SIZE - several results....mostly to do with the SIZE of my arse or the SIZE of my jeans.

SEX - a few more results...mostly to do with my LACK of it.

COCK - zero results

DICK - zero results

PENIS - zero results

Yes I am happy to announce that over the last two years I have not mentioned cock, dick OR penis once.  It's not been by any means intentional....I was quite surprised myself!

However if they were to search VAGINA.....


Oh fuck it.  Now I've said ALL of them.

Christmas - 10 years ago...

For Christmas 2000 I ordered 65 copies of this photo for our personalised cards from Kmart.

The woman asked me twice, and then someone called me at home, to make sure THIS was the one I wanted to send out to everyone.

Hell yeah!

A conversation with my mother

So, my mother is one of my Facebook friends.  Don't ask me how this happened.  It just DID.

Anyways, she's hardly ever on there but when she is she stalks me. 

Bams and I loved to muck around on Facebook before we met and we still enjoy having a laugh on there but things can get a little...naughty.

Those of you that read Bams' blog may be familiar with his post on having laser hair removal on his gonads.  That's all I'm going to say really.

The following are excerpts from actual conversations that took place over a couple of days.  Only the names have been changed to protect the.....whatever.

Facebook - Frankie's Status Update (in part) -

 

Frankie - I wish I'd not come in.  Work sucks big hairy balls today (more than usual)

Bams - Well my goal is to make sure you never have to suck big or hairy balls again!  And I'm doing my bit!!

Lara Croft - Get a room!

Conversation the next evening at my mum's for dinner with the kids -

Mum - Were you and Bams talking about rambutans on Facebook yesterday?

Frankie - Sorry...what?

Mum - Rambutans, the fruit.  You were talking about sucking hairy balls.  That's what we called rambutans back in Ceylon.

Alex - *spits food out of nose*

The end.

The Tree

I wrote a few weeks ago about our new/old address and of the magnificent tree the kids played in.  Well here it is in all it's summer glory.

It's a liquid amber.  The owners prune it right back every winter so it's developed a really sturdy inner structure and is covered in lush new growth every year.  Just perfect for climbing.

But, the kids don't just climb it.  They bloody live up there!  I thought my daughter, at 14, may have outgrown it but she and her friends are up there nearly every afternoon...ipods and phones in tow.  They just hang around up there for...well, it's been 2 hours now!

I took some photos of them earlier but I can hear some more kids up there now.  As I write this, it's 6.30 on a beautiful summer evening and there are about 8 kids up there (I just ran out and counted).  You can't see ANY of them (but they are quite loud).

Here are some photos.  The bottom one was taken 8 years ago, when Ethan was around 3 and Alex was 6.

We LOVE the tree :o)

Flashback 2002...

'cos I AM

Together Apart

So.....after last week's pathetic attempt at trying to do a VLOG update on my love life (below), I thought I would give it another go - 

It's going well.  REALLY well.

Today marks four weeks since Bams left and things are just...... lovely.

I thought our time apart would be excruciating.....but it hasn't been.  Things have just gotten better and better.  

Because we can only express ourselves with words (and the occasional pornographic photo), we've become closer than ever.  And as much as I would love to be near him, (instead of 4000 kms away), I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing.

Yeah, I'll admit I've had a couple of moments where I've let my over active imagination get the better of me, and have had what can only be described as a 'spazz', but overall, it's been just DELICIOUS.

And what's most delicious is the anticipation of when we will see each other again.  It's not like before, when we hadn't met yet.  It's different now.  And, I'm sure after our next meeting, it will be different again.  And what a meeting it's going to be!

In less than five weeks time Fifi, Bams and five kids aged from 11 to 15...together, in Sydney, for 8 days.  S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y.  I'm beside myself with excitement! (ok...and a little fear).  I just can't wait.  But I have to.  So, I will continue to enjoy all the romancing between now.......and then :o)

And, in January, we'll hatch plans for .... the next time.

Thought for the day

For my geeks ('cos no-one else will frakkin' get it!)

VLOG with sookie lala

So I tried to do a VLOG and this is what happened.  Thought twice about posting but...fuck it.. it's me and how I'm feeling.  Didn't feel right to try and re-do it.   D.E.A.L.

Grey Power

Yes thanks, don't mind if I do...

The Code

My friends and I live by a code.  It is an honourable code.  

This is the code between women (and not just those you know - this can, at times, extend to perfect strangers) that you will not let each other look like complete dickheads/losers in public.....if you can help it.

What sort of situations are covered by the code?  I think you probably know them already.  Here's a just few...

"You've tucked your skirt into your undies".

"You've got toilet paper stuck to the back of your jeans/your shoes/whatever".

"You've got something stuck in your teeth".

"You've got black stuff in the corner of your eye"

"Ummm.... are you sure you really want to wear that?"  sometimes known as "you look like mutton dressed as lamb".

"You've got a dried up bogie sticking out your nose".

You get the idea. I'm sure you can come up with a few more.

But there's one situation that's a little tricky..it's a bit more of a 'sensitive' issue.  That issue is - upper lip hair.  I know!  Seriously....how do you tell someone that's cultivating a rain forest on their upper lip that it's time to get out the hot wax or Nair!  And what happens if they don't care to do so? It's a frikkin' minefield.

I have on occasion been MORTIFIED to glance at myself in the rear view mirror and spy veritable whiskers sprouting from my top lip.  "Why didn't somebody tell meeeee?  I look like a fucking walrus!!!"

So, some close friends and I have a developed a code word...a phrase....a friendly nudge that can be used, anywhere...anytime that these heinous hairs are spotted.

And that code word is.....

MAGNUM P.I.

Be a friend.  Use it.

The strangest thing

If you've been reading my blog a while, you'll know I've had body issues.

Maybe that's the reason I've been single for so long.  Who fucking knows.  I just know that my negative impression of myself has held me back, in more ways than one.

For the last few years especially, since I put on quite a few kilos, the mirror has not been my friend.

Every house I have lived in has a BIG bathroom mirror and gets the morning sun - you know what I'm talking about ladies?  I might as well be in front of a Kmart change room mirror... it's that bad.

The past few months, since I let myself date again were the worst.  Every morning to have to see, in the harsh light of day, every lump, bump, dimple, scar and wrinkle, was enough to make me want to throw the towel in and retreat to the cave - permanently.  

But the strangest thing has happened.  

For the past couple of weeks I've been getting up in the morning and looking in that same mirror....same lighting.....same body.  Only I realise now, all I see - is ME.

And all it took was knowing that someone..... loves all of me.

See through balloons

So a while back, before I moved house,  I regularly had my fortnightly shopping home delivered.  It's frikkin' awesome.

One evening a particularly hot delivery guy turns up with my order and I can't help but flirt a little.  I love Coles....yes I do...and they always slip me a little something extra with my order, ya know..free samples.  This week it was some men's deodorant.

Now obviously there ain't no 'men' residing in my home (Ethan doesn't count as I don't think he even has pubes yet) and I thought, under the circumstances ie (me being a desperado born again virgin....well back then I was anyways ;op) I should give it a crack..so I did a massive hairflick and announced "well that's not gonna be much use around HERE" *flutters eye lids*.

He chuckled to himself and toddled off.  Damn, it was worth a try.

I unpack the shopping and a few minutes later Alex shouts from the front hall "hey mum, I think he liked you, he's left you some more freebies!"  and produces two condoms..all bright and fancy like.  "Maybe it was a hint" (shut UP 14 year old).  

I actually entertained the idea for about 20 seconds, until I realised the teenager, rolling on the floor pissing herself laughing in front of me may be an indicator that someone was being had and was advised that they weren't a present from very tight King Gee shorts guy after all but a sample from health class.

You are fucking hilarious young lady.

She then asks if I have any more condoms as they need them for a 'health class project'.  I thought this sounded like bullshit and told her that I did not.  A few minutes later Ethan shouts out from the bathroom "yes you do!!".  Fuckers.   "There's a whole box in here and they are past the use by date".  Yeah rub it in why don't you?

"Ok you can bloody have them" *sulks*.

So...about an hour later I realise I have not seen or heard from either of the kids for a while.  This is unusual. They fight like cat and dog unless....they are working on something together.  And that 'something' is more often than not - devious.

I hunt them down, follow the giggling, barge into her bedroom to be confronted with a room full of...... these.....

Please don't call Child Services.

The Date Report

It's really difficult to write one of these when you know that the person who you're writing about, is going to be reading it.  But if I can write date reports about some of the frikkin' losers I've been out with over the last couple of years, surely I can write about him.

So here I go...

It all started a couple of months ago (wow..only a couple of months?).  Another blogger mentioned his blog, and I took a look.  I commented on his post (about dating).  He commented on my most recent post (about dating) and next thing we're blog buddies.  Next comes the outrageous Facebook banter (not limited to me mind you - apparently no-one with a vagina is safe!) and after a few emails - he asks me out.  

Of course I tell him he's crazy.  I'm in Perth, he's in Sydney plus he's really not my usual type so seriously...what's the point?   But then my usual type isn't fucking working for me is it?!  He's very charming and we're already developing a nice friendship..so I accept.  What's the worst that can happen?

He phoned me for the first time that night - we spoke for two hours.

So...then there's the four.......weeks.  What started out as a fun idea with nothing to lose, soon turned into something quite unexpected and I found myself emotionally invested in the outcome (and I knew he felt the same way).   Many, many phone calls, emails and texts (he writes a beautiful email...shit he writes a beautiful text for that matter and I know I'm probably going to embarrass him here by saying that he's quite possibly the most romantic man I have ever met).

Fuck...and that says a lot, 'cos this is where I usually BOLT.... and I didn't.

I knew he was still pretty much doing the 'single guy' thing over there.  Hey, it didn't thrill me but to be honest I'd prefer that, to me being the first woman after his wife - you all know my thoughts on 'fresh meat' by now.  So...it's ok.

So..shit I'd better actually write about THE DATE!

After a build up that nearly frikkin' killed me he arrived in Perth.  Our date was set for 7pm on the Saturday night.  We'd agreed that even if we totally repulsed each other...we'd greet each other with a kiss on the lips. Seriously....and I know this shit 'cos I've been on a LOT of 'blind' dates,  you NEVER know 'til they are standing in front of you.  You can't fake chemistry and we both knew it.

But it was not a problem :o)

One kiss and that was it.

We caught a taxi up to Kings Park, a beautiful spot overlooking the city.  Fuck....how long have we been holding hands? (I don't do that).

Our relationship to date had been lots and lots of talking.  We really enjoyed each other.  So, we both thought our first date would be an extension of that.

Nup.

But there was kissing.

Kissing at the Whispering Wall.  Kissing at the War Memorial Lookout.  Kissing on the park bench (and there were fireworks.....no ACTUAL for real fireworks across the river).

Seriously...it was a Kissofuckinrama!  How old are we again?  Actually, I do recall a 'milkshake break' in there somewhere but then it was just straight back to the kissing.

We finally dragged ourselves off to a nice wine bar where we did manage some chatting...and more hand holding (oh god who IS this person?).  And then...back to his hotel.

No. I'm not telling so I think we'd better...

*insert elevator music here*

I caught a taxi home about 2am.  What?  Well of course not.  I don't do sleepovers on a first date...remember?

Part 2 of our date commenced mid morning on the Sunday, although unfortunately I wasn't quite ready when he arrived and was still in my bathrobe...

*yada yada yada* (that one's for you Nic!)

The weather was beautiful so we shared some fish and chips down at the foreshore and then I apparently fell asleep on the couch in front of the MOST BORING MOVIE EVER.

He got to meet the brats a little later.  It was nice :o)

He caught a taxi back to his hotel later that night. And, that was the last time we kissed.  He flew out on the Monday.

Holy crap just had to have a little cry baby break then...so where was I?

Oh yeah... he left.

But, we have made plans to see each other again.  We're doing it.  For as long as it feels right.  

And it does feel right.

EDIT - shut up.

Thought for the day

When you least expect it....

So....had intended to keep this close to my chest, but finding it very difficult.  My emotions are determined to burst out, much like that scene in the movie Alien..with John Hurt.

Anyways...

Umm...ok...so as I said, wasn't going to write about it 'cos every guy I write about turns into a big fucking F.A.I.L. and this is kinda..special.  But, there is a possiblity of both chest and brain exploding if I don't release a little of the pressure. 

Breathe....

Ok..condensed version - 

I just had the most wonderful of weekends with a guy, who lives ...a long way away.  He's a fellow blogger  who I've gotten to know very well over the past couple of months and I adore him to bits.  We have no idea what the hell we are doing...but we're kinda doing it anyway.

There.

Oh god I'm such a dweeb.

PS - sorry about the photo baby hahahaha!

It's that time....

Fifi's Fortnight

I'm going to be flat out busy the next two weeks and won't have internet access at home for the latter half, so I thought I'd do a little photo montage of what the next fortnight holds in store for me.

And no, I'm not telling...

Thought for the day

Like a woman possessed

My head is spinning.  So much has happened in the last 7 days.  This time last week I was distraught at the prospect of having to move AGAIN (3rd time in 3 years).  Our lease expired last Monday and I got a call from the agent that day advising that the owner was selling.  

I instantly went into 'losing my shit' mode.  

The agent tried to reassure me that it wasn't a 'fait accompli'.  We may be able to stay, if an investor buys it.  But, that would still mean a 'Home Open' every f/night and us hanging by a thread not knowing what the future would bring.

Well fuck that!

I decided to take my power back and pre-empt any move.  I started looking Tuesday.  I wasn't sure if it was the right decision, but ex-hubby stepped up and said he'd pay for the move so I thought I'd roll with it.  And I'm so glad I did.

We are moving 'home' :o)

Eight years ago when I split with my husband, I moved up from a semi-rural area to an inner city suburb.  It was a big move.  It was scary, and I felt completely alone...but not for long.

I moved into a little street that leads to a park.  But this wasn't just any street.  This was a street where the neighbours care.  They want to know you.  They hang about on the verge and chat, day or night.  The kids play on anyone's front lawn, at any time, even if you are not home.  There was 'the tree' - a beautiful climbing tree that swallowed up several children at a time.  On summer days when there wasn't a sign of a single child in the street, if you stood under that tree, a faint giggling could be heard.  It was a good street.  

My next door neighbours were the BEST.  A couple in their sixties who acted as surrogate grandparents for my two (who were 3 and 6 when we moved in).  They looked after me through my hip injury, took me shopping, to the physio and made sure the kids got to school.  I sat with them and held their hands when their baby grand daughter died.  They were like family.  

We lived in that street for six years.  I'll always consider it where the kids 'grew up'.  And then, one day, we had to leave.

That was 3 years ago.  We've still kept in contact but it's not been the same..until now.  I found a house..right next door to where I lived before - in the street!

We are so excited!  The house had only been advertised that day when I found it online.  The owners had spent two weeks re-painting, putting in new window coverings and getting the landscaping organised.  It's a great little house (and I knew I was going to take it straight away as I'd been in that house a hundred times before).  Yesterday the agent confirmed my application was successful.

I drove down the street on the weekend.  Word had gotten around that we were coming home.  One of my old/new neighbours spotted the car and rushed out to get the gos' on whether we were really moving back.  It was a beautiful feeling...no really, it was gorgeous.

I'd been worrying whether it was the right decision, as the house is a little more than I can afford, but after the greeting I received and the excitement on my 'family's' faces, I knew this was going to be a wonderful thing for me and the kids.

So, I've been running around like a woman possessed and I've got most things sorted.  Removalists - TICK, electricity - TICK, gas - TICK,  phone - TICK...now it's just.........the packing.

Here we go again......

Double Trouble

Anyone for a sandwich?

An ode to my cave

Man-proof cave I really luvs you.

You're where I go when there's cherries of poo

You keep me warm and safe and sane.

That's why I return, again and again.

Love Frankie

Weird fucker

From this....

To this????

excuse me I need my Tena Lady's ... PMSL.

Canuck Post Mortem

So....after putting his chest out there on the dating site, Mr Canuck still decided to contact me on the Saturday after our date.  Just a casual text...'how are you?' blah blah, all very friendly - then I may or may not have gotten stuck into him.

I may or may not have asked why he was bothering to contact me as his 'bod shot' on the dating site AFTER our date said quite a lot about his feelings on the whole thing.  He turned it around so that it was ME who wasn't interested and asked...'why can't you accept that I'm interested in you?' blah blah blah.  Pfffft!  Fucktard.

I then may or may not have mentioned 'kids in a candy store' and my aversion to being 'candy'.  He may or may not have stopped texting me after that.

Frankie - 1, Canada - 0.

Umm....

Frankie's Phatness

You may or may not have noticed that all my health, FM, fitness and fatness posts have been disappearing over the last couple of weeks.  They're not gone, just moved.  

I've not posted a lot about it this year...I think I only counted 13 posts.  That's because I'd had a gut full of it.  Pain, treatment, injuries...I just could not take one more physio or chiro session, so I went cold turkey.

Also, I'd become increasingly uncomfortable blogging here in this space about my health and fitness stuff.  This started out as a weight loss blog, but morphed into something else - way more fun.  I love hanging out here :o)  

But, I've got to pull my head out of the sand, have things treated, get fit again and kick some serious arse.  My wake up call was my knee fuck up recently.  I damaged the cartilage....and it's still not better, but it at least got me going back to the physio.

There's two sides to Fifi....so if you want to see what the other side gets up to...the link is in the sidebar.